Wow! One semester is already over with. It's almost hard to believe. In a way it's nice though because now I'm finally getting a break from classes. Plus, it means only one more semester until I graduate. I'm also really looking forward to seeing my family again. I really miss all of them.
I'm going home tomorrow after my last final is over with. It's going to be a long boring drive. But I'm sure the anticipation of just getting home will help me to pass the time. The thing that stinks about my drive home is there is a lot of driving time where there is dead radio air, meaning I can't pull in any stations at all. It stinks even more than that because I don't have a tape deck or a cd player in my car. I have a cd player, it just can't be used in my car. LOL! Five hours in a car can be rather tedious. I better make sure I get plenty of sleep tonight so I don't doze off in the car tomorrow. Not that I will. I've never done that and am always very careful when I drive. I just hope my car can make it home. It's an old P.O.S. but at least its still pluggin away.
Well, time to go do some last minute cramming for tonights final and tomorrows final. Happy holidays all!
Thursday, December 16, 2004
Saturday, December 04, 2004
With the good comes the bad
Sometimes I can't help but wonder if maybe I would have been better off had I stayed married to my first husband. He was a good guy although a big baby that was always getting sick. But he was nice to me and cared about me. I could probably have the baby I've been wanting by now had I stayed married. Who knows, I could even be happy.
The sad thing is though, I didn't stay married to him. And now, I sit here in my college dorm room, in my pajamas at noon and wondering what the hell is going to happen with my life now. Its really rather pathetic and sad.
I guess you could say that I'm sort of throwing myself a little self pitty party. Though I really shouldn't. Just because I'm lonely and don't have everything I want, doesn't mean that my life is in shambles. If anything, I have a pretty good life. I have a car, a computer, a tv, stereo, playstation, cd's, friends, and I'm about to graduate from college with a great degree. I have a loving family and people that support me. I have all of this and I am thankful for it all. Though I can't help but still feel lonely and sad.
I found out just a bit ago that my ex-fiance doesn't care for me at all, even though he was the one who still wanted to be friends. I still care about him. I probably won't ever take him back but that doesn't mean I don't care. It's hard to imagine the reality that he was so loving and caring when we were together but now he is so heartless and cold towards anything about me. I'll admit I was very upset with him when he broke things off with me and in some ways I'm still kind of mad at him for it. I still care about him and hope that he is doing well. I even still talk to those that were to be my in-laws had he and I married. If I had the capability in my heart to be cold and heartless towards him and his family then I would probably do it too. But I'm not like that. I wasn't made that way. My heart is too big and because of that I will continue to care and remember, just as I now continue to care and remember my ex-husband and all those that I have dated before.
I like the heart that I have and all the caring and kindness I can show to others. It turely is a blessing to have a heart like this in a world were so many people do not. And at times I don't like having this heart because despite all the kindness and caring I can give, my heart brings with all that an equal amount of pain that feels five times heavier than it actually is. But in order to have that which you want and need, you have to take the bad with the good for there is nothing in this world that is perfect because perfect only exists in a utopia and a utopia can only exist in heaven, a place you cannot go to without leaving this world behind. So until the day that I leave this world behind, I will continue to carry this heart inside of me and I will continue to freely give all the love and caring that I have. In return I will accept the pain that comes with it and endure it as best I am able. Because I know that one day, I will be able to go to that utopia and finally be rid of the pain that seems so hard to bear.
The sad thing is though, I didn't stay married to him. And now, I sit here in my college dorm room, in my pajamas at noon and wondering what the hell is going to happen with my life now. Its really rather pathetic and sad.
I guess you could say that I'm sort of throwing myself a little self pitty party. Though I really shouldn't. Just because I'm lonely and don't have everything I want, doesn't mean that my life is in shambles. If anything, I have a pretty good life. I have a car, a computer, a tv, stereo, playstation, cd's, friends, and I'm about to graduate from college with a great degree. I have a loving family and people that support me. I have all of this and I am thankful for it all. Though I can't help but still feel lonely and sad.
I found out just a bit ago that my ex-fiance doesn't care for me at all, even though he was the one who still wanted to be friends. I still care about him. I probably won't ever take him back but that doesn't mean I don't care. It's hard to imagine the reality that he was so loving and caring when we were together but now he is so heartless and cold towards anything about me. I'll admit I was very upset with him when he broke things off with me and in some ways I'm still kind of mad at him for it. I still care about him and hope that he is doing well. I even still talk to those that were to be my in-laws had he and I married. If I had the capability in my heart to be cold and heartless towards him and his family then I would probably do it too. But I'm not like that. I wasn't made that way. My heart is too big and because of that I will continue to care and remember, just as I now continue to care and remember my ex-husband and all those that I have dated before.
I like the heart that I have and all the caring and kindness I can show to others. It turely is a blessing to have a heart like this in a world were so many people do not. And at times I don't like having this heart because despite all the kindness and caring I can give, my heart brings with all that an equal amount of pain that feels five times heavier than it actually is. But in order to have that which you want and need, you have to take the bad with the good for there is nothing in this world that is perfect because perfect only exists in a utopia and a utopia can only exist in heaven, a place you cannot go to without leaving this world behind. So until the day that I leave this world behind, I will continue to carry this heart inside of me and I will continue to freely give all the love and caring that I have. In return I will accept the pain that comes with it and endure it as best I am able. Because I know that one day, I will be able to go to that utopia and finally be rid of the pain that seems so hard to bear.
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