Princess Christy

Serious Thinking

2008-09-02T11:33:00.000-07:00

I've taken a little mini vacation from work and from everyone and everything else at home. I've taken it for one very simple reason. I need to do some serious thinking. I need to do some serious thinking because I'm having second thoughts about whether or not to marry my fiance. I still love him very much, but the longer I live with him the more I notice about him things that I don't like. He doesn't manage money well, he is very possessive and jealous, he leaves housework for me to do when I get home from a long weekend at work and he is not a very considerate lover. These are just some of the things I have noticed since we moved in together back in May. We haven't had any fights except for when I was breifly off of my medication. But part of that could be my fault because I haven't told him whats been bothering me. The thing is, is that I don't think telling him would help anything. I don't see him being able to change no matter how much he loves me. So while I'm on this little mini vacation of mine I'm going to do some serious thinking about what I want and need in a relationship and hopefully come to the conclusion that is right for me. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

2008-08-24T19:45:00.001-07:00

Light! It's been since February since I last posted on this thing! Talk about being a slacker! Bad Christy! LOL.

Anyhoo, here is a very quick update on whats been going on. My boyfriend John proposed to me on my birthday (two days after my most recent post) and I accepted. In May we moved into our own place and I started working in a new town but the same job. And thats as brief as it gets.

I have been writing more poetry though which I wanted to share with you all. Now keep in mind, both of these poems are first drafts only and have yet to be edited. I hope you enjoy them.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Heart's Desire

Inside one world I am logic reborn.
I do only that which is reasonable,
logical.
My heart's desire knows no place.
It is dead like a corpse,
rotting 'neath the ground.
I play by the rules,
do as I'm told,
never live only for me.

I am lost in a maze that is
this world of logic,
where dangers lurk 'round corners
and hands of reason reach out for me.
Running! Running! As fast as I can.
Breathing heavily, searching, searching
for the exit; it eludes me.
Right or left, back the way I came?
Turning in circles, crying out for a way home.

There it is! An exit to the other world,
I crave, for to be free and let live
my heart's desire at long last.
There are no rules that love cannot conquer.
I know the way is to follow my heart's
every desire.
In my past, a distant memory,
I leave and lose myself in a
world oh so divine!

Christine L. Taplin
August 8th, 2008

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Yearning

Yearning. Longing for that which I cannot have.
A touch, a stolen kiss. I desire him evermore.
I must fill this longing within my soul,
I can be empty no longer. Light let it be so.
One day we will be together. Completeing,
each other, and making ourselves whole.
Until that day a yearning will fill my soul.

Christine L. Taplin
August 24th, 2008

Sick

2008-02-11T09:26:00.000-08:00

Being sick is not very fun. I've been sick with something since the seventh. It started out that I was just feeling really weak and crappy, not to mention sore and very tired. Then it changed over to a cough and sore throat, which is what it still is. I know I shouldn't but I'm still going about my normal routine as much as possible. I can't let a little cold keep me down, not when its so darn hard to find a replacement for work. Plus, I've never been one to stay down for longer than need be or listen to a doctor. Haha! I'll be over it soon enough though and if not then I'll go ahead and go to the doc and get a prescription. But I always try to get rid of it on my own first. I hope I get rid of it quickly though as my birthday is coming up and I don't want to be sick on my birthday.

Working Overnight

2008-01-17T20:42:00.000-08:00

Wow! Can you believe that I'm posting again so soon after my last post?! Pretty spiffy huh? Anyway, on to the post.

I'm working the overnight shift at work tonight. I worked my normal two to ten shift and now am working from ten tonight until eight in the morning. Working the overnight should be pretty easy now that one of my clients has been moved to the house next door and I won't have to get up in the middle of the night to check on her. I'll get to sleep most all night, but I'll have to get up early to get meds doled out and get the ladies ready to go to the center. I don't mind the overnight part quite so much since all I'm doing is sleeping. It's the morning stuff I hate. Having to get the ladies ready, medicate and feed them.

Despite my complaints and my regret about agreeing to do this there are two positives that come with it. One is that I'll get extra hours. Albeit the extra hours are at a lower rate of pay, but its still extra hours. Also, my boss agreed that if I work tonight that she would give me my birthday off and two days in March that I want off. All I have to do is e-mail her the dates and she'll arrange it. I'm going to take those days off as either sick days or vacation days. I've already acrued quite a bit of both and haven't used any yet, so might as well use them.

Well folks, that's all I have to write about tonight. I need to be getting to sleep anyway. Five am comes pretty early and it's already almost eleven. Goodnight all and sweet dreams!

Christine

Update

2008-01-10T19:27:00.000-08:00

Wow! I can't believe that its been very nearly a year since I last posted here. I'm surprised they haven't deleted my account yet, seeming as how I post so infrequently. But maybe they just like me or something.

Anyway, this is what's going on in my life right now.

I lost the para job back in May. They said there wouldn't be any open positions for me come the following school year. I was devastated and cried a lot. I eventually got over it though.

I worked strictly at Sears over the summer and just did my best to make ends meet on such a meager salary. Just this last December I finally gave Sears my two weeks notice and quit that job. But don't worry, I had another job already lined up.

My new job that I've been with since mid October is for a company called OCCK Inc. They assist people with disabilities and try to help them lead better and more productive lives. As for me I'm a Residential Trainer. I work in one house that has five ladies in it. My job is to make sure that they are taking care of themselves, such as eating, showering and taking meds, and also to take care of them. One of them requires you to feed her cause she can't feed herself, another one needs help in the shower, etc. It's a good paying job. My highest paying job ever at $9/hr. It's also full time work with benefits and I usually end up getting more than 40 hours a week.

I like the job ok, but the longer I'm here the more I'm realizing that this isn't quite what I wanted to do. So recently I have updated my resume and references and within the next two weeks or so I'm going to start looking for another job. I have to wait a little while because if I leave my job before 90 days have passed the company will make me pay them back $105 for the background checks and stuff they had to do. It hasn't quite been 90 days yet.

John, my boyfriend, and I are still going strong. We celebrated our one year anniversery back in mid November. We also got our pictures taken at WalMart. I'll try and get one up soon. John is planning on moving to Salina after he finishes school in May. I'm so excited. Once he gets settled in we're going to move in together. I can't wait to be living with him 24/7 instead just on the weekends.

Well, that's about all that's going on. Oh, except for the fact that my family is hosting and exchange student. But I'll write about him later. I'm on the computer while at work and I'm not supposed to be. Haha! I'm so bad! Anyway, enjoy the update and take care all!

Hugs!

Christine

2007-04-18T14:57:00.001-07:00

I got really stressed out today. The main kid that I have throughout the day at work was gone for the first half of the day. Not a big deal, obviously. I could have found something to do and still be productive. But instead I was thrust into filling an absent para's position where I didn't know what to do or what was really going on. They gave me her schedule and told me to follow it with no more direction than that unless I asked.

So basically I was left to fumble through everything in an unfamiliar job on my own. Granted I myself am a para, but the job I had to do today was different from what I normally do by a long shot. It was no fun at all and very stressful. It was stressful because I hate not knowing what to do or how to do something and I hate having to ask others for help and depend on others for direction. It was a horrible day at work.

How irritating . . .

2007-03-30T17:41:00.000-07:00

Today has not been the best of days. I had a doctors' appointment today to check on the effectiveness of my medications. The appointment went well and my medication is working like it should. But what I found out during my appointment made me kind of upset.

I found out that my claim to be on patient assistance (a program that helps me get one of my medications for free) had been denied. What is worse though is that I found out that it had been denied back in February and no one had bothered to even tell me! How irritating! And to top it all off, now I'm going to have to get this medication through the pharmacy and will have to start paying for it. I do have prescription insurance but it's still going to cost a pretty penny. This is not a cheap medication by any means.

That was the big killer of my day. The other killer was some difficult students at work just really testing my patience, which I had little of today. But other than those two things the day was alright.

Latest Happenings

2007-03-19T23:51:00.000-07:00

I realize that its been almost an entire year since I last put up a post and for that I apologize. But anyway, here is what has been going on as of late.

In the relationship department: I dated one guy that was the best friend of my boss at one of my jobs. That didn't work out good at all. He didn't treat me with the kindness and respect that I deserve. Plus he didn't even make an effort to keep things going. So I dumped him.

Now I'm seeing someone new. His name is John and he's been my friend since 2002. We only started dating a little over four months ago but things are going well and the future with him seems bright.

In the job department: I still have two jobs though only one of them is the same as before. Sadly I'm still working at Sears about 20 hours a week but now I'm a cashier instead of being an MCA. There is a lot less stress as a cashier. All I really have to worry about is getting credit apps. My other job is newer and is a wonderful job. I'm a para educator at a local grade school and have been working there since October. I work mostly with first graders but I do have a few fith graders too.

In the family department: Things are going good. I don't get to see my brother or sister as often as I'd like, but we still try to keep in touch. I'm still living at home with my folks and keeping my mom company. I have a dog now. A little two year old border collie named Tillie.

In the weight department: I've made great strides here and am continuing to do so. When I first started losing weight I weighed my heaviest ever at 332 pounds. Now due to a recent doctors visit I found out that I am down to 304! My next goal is to reach 290 and my ultimate goal is to reach 180 or less. I know I'm going to do it. Feel free to cheer me on!

Well, that's about it. Not a lot has been going on but I'm definately keeping busy. I'll do my best to keep this thing updated, but I make no promises. You all take care now.

Horrible Day

2006-04-15T09:41:00.000-07:00

I've been getting more sub jobs since my other job cut back my hours to under 30 a week. I've had three so far this month and I'm hoping to get more. I even had one yesterday and I swear, yesterday was a living nightmare for me. Here is what happened.

I was supposed to sub for a 5th grade class from 8 until 3:45. Well, I go in and they offer to put me as a roving sub (one that goes from class to class rather than staying in one class all day) rather than in the class I was going to be in. Well this school I was subbing at is one that I don't know all that well and I told them that I didn't feel comfortable being a roving sub in a school I didn't really know very well. So they went ahead and put me in the 5th grade classroom as originally planned. I was all excited about all of it, and felt that it was going to be a really good day. But boy was I dead wrong! Those kids were worse than devils! They would not shut-up, they would not do what I said, and even taking away time from their only recess didn't help them listen to me. No matter what I tried; raising my voice, redirection, punishments, etc; none of it worked! It got to the point where some of the other teachers had to help me get them quieted down. Well the students would listen to the other teachers but after they left and it was just me and the kids again, they just started right back up again! Finally after lunch, the principal came up and talked to me. I couldn't help it and I just started crying, right there in front of the kids and the principal. I was so embarrassed that I couldn't keep one class of 5th graders under control! I told the principal that I have never had any problem like this before and that I just could not get them to listen to me, no matter what I tried. And it was true, I've never had problems getting kids to settle down and pay attention in class. I don't know what it was, but for some reason, yesterday was just a regular hell.

So anyway, the principal found someone to take over for me for the rest of the day and sent me home. So rather than getting a full day's pay for such a hellish job, they only put on my time sheet the amount of time I was actually there. When I left the school I was still crying and I knew that I was too unstable to stay in town and go to work at my other job that night. I called my mom and explained what happened and she agreed that I should just come home and not go to work. So I called in to tell them I wouldn't be coming in and then went home.

Those kids made me look like a complete and utter fool, and incompetent to boot! I was so embarrassed and I still am. I go back in my mind and think about what I did and I can't find that I did anything wrong. But something must have gone wrong for the day to end so horribly. I just wish I could figure it out, because until I do, I know it will keep eating at me.

Christmas and Car Stuff

2005-12-15T10:54:00.000-08:00

Today is December 15th and there are only 10 more days until Christmas day. I've been looking forward to Christmas for a very long time now and I will be happy when it arrives. I love the look on people's faces when they open the gifts I get for them. That's my most favorite of things about Christmas; giving gifts to others. Oh sure, I love recieving gifts almost as much, but I'd much rather give than recieve. That's the honest truth. I hope that my friends and family like what I got them for Christmas. Some are hard to shop for and others are very easy to shop for. One thing that is nice about Christmas this year is that there are a lot more presents under our tree. Granted, most all of them are what I am giving to others, but it's nice to see packages under the tree. The last several years have been hard on my family and Christmas has typically been without gifts. Things are looking up though and I am glad. It truly makes me happy to know that we are doing better and that I have the means to make my family happy and give them the Christmas they deserve.

As you already know, I recently got a new car. I've finally given her a name too and I payed for her tags and taxes today. I've named my new car "Hope". I named her this because she is the first nice new car I've ever had and because it was difficult to find a dealer that would work with me and my not so good credit. It is my "Hope" that with this car and it's payments, I can repair my credit and make life just a little bit better for me. When I went to pay my car tags just a little while ago, I had known that it would be fairly expensive to do so. I had set aside $620 for it. Thankfully, it didn't cost even half of that. Since I had already paid for tags on my old car in November, I got a $24 credit. The rest was only about $280. Still an awful lot, but much less than what I had expected.

Well, that's all I have for right now. I'll try to update again soon. Merry Christmas all and Happy New Year!

Update

2005-11-29T09:42:00.000-08:00

Wow! Crys was right. It has been an awful long while since I last updated this. I don't have too much of an excuse but I'll give it to you anyway. I've been very busy working two part time jobs. Neither of them is the job I ultimately want to end up with, but then it doesn't help that I don't know exactly where I want to end up. I do know that both of these jobs isn't forever though, and during one of them I am constantly having to remind myself of that. My two part time jobs are as an MCA at Sears (aka Stocker) and an emergency substitute teacher for the Salina School District in grades K-12. The substituting pays more ($90 for a full day) but is also one that I don't get as often. Sears is more steady work but the pay isn't the best. Only $6.20 an hour starting and they won't even consider me for a raise until I've been there for at least a year. I've only been working at both of these jobs since September this year. But it's something to bring in the money for now.

Speaking of bringing in the money, I have to work as much as I do in order to bring the money in because...get this...I just got a new car! Ok, a new used car but for me it's a new car. It's a white with black trim 4 door 2004 Chevy Impala. It has power seats, windows, locks, a cd player and lots of other cool stuff. I really love my new car and have actually only had it since the 15th of this month. I haven't gotten a name for her yet though. That I'm still working on. As for payments, they are horrible, but the money from both of my jobs makes it so I can pay them. Car payments are $295 a month and insurance (which I start to pay in Feb) is going to be $100 a month. Pretty pricey if you ask me, but it's worth it. All that money I kept putting into my old Lumina was just being wasted. At least now I know that my money is going towards something that is going to last me awhile, rather than towards something that might break down in the next several seconds.

I'm really anxious for Christmas to get here. I've already gotten all of my Christmas shopping done and the presents are wrapped and under the tree. At least the presents I got for people are under the tree. No one else has put any presents under it yet, but that could be because many of them haven't started shopping yet. We've been getting some snow yesterday and today. It's our second snow of the season so far. I hope that we have lots of snow on the ground this Christmas, but very little ice. I love the snow, but I hate the ice. Hehe.

Well, that's about it for now. Oh wait, I forgot one thing. As for my love life and social life...well they pretty well don't exist due to working so much. Although I am kind of sort of starting to make a new friend at my job at Sears. But other than that, nothing is going on in that area. Oh well.

Ok, that's really all I have for right now. Thanks Crys, for giving me a heads up about updating this. I appreciate it. Take care everyone and happy holidays!

Interview Update

2005-08-26T08:55:00.000-07:00

My interview was Monday last week and it didn't go as well as I could have hoped. The guy kept asking me questions that I wasn't really sure how to answer without constantly repeating myself. The interview lasted an hour and at the end of it he said he was going to get in touch with my references and get back to me by noon the next day. He told me that he would call me at noon on Tuesday and let me know if he needed more time to reach my references or if I would get a second interview. Well he never called me back. I thought, ok, my references can be hard to get ahold of, so I gave him the rest of the week to do what he needed to do. Well by the start of this week, he still hadn't called me. I've called him twice in the first half of this week and left him messages asking him to call me about it. He still hasn't. I'm not too happy about it. In fact I'm starting to get very irritated. I'm going to give him just a little bit longer and call him next week. If he still doesn't call me back then I'm just going to forget about it and move on. Besides, with the way this guy is being, I'm not sure I want to work for him and his company anyway.

Interview

2005-08-12T08:26:00.000-07:00

Well, this morning was supposed to be my interview at a place that I've been in contact with since May. I got up about 6:30 this morning so that I could take a shower, eat and get all gussied up. The usual getting ready for an important interview routine. So anyway I hop in the car, drive 22 miles into town and meet up with the guy that's supposed to interview me. Only when I get there I find out that he meant to call me yesterday and reschedule! I wasn't very happy about this but I just put on my happy face and made as if it didn't bother me though in all actuallity it irritates me a lot. So he asked me to go ahead and fill out an application, which I did. Thankfully he already has my resume and cover letter. And we rescheduled the interview for Monday at 11. I think what I'll do though is Monday morning, I'll call him and make sure he can actually make it to the interview before I drive the 22 freakin miles into town. I can't be driving into town every single day. With as high as gas prices are (between $2.35 and $2.45 depending on where in town you are) with no income, and vehicles that just don't have good gas mileage, it really isn't logical for me to waste gas like that. So anyway, that was my so called interview today that was rescheduled for Monday. I hope that Monday goes better than today has.

My oh so exciting life

2005-08-11T10:45:00.000-07:00

Wow, it has been an awful long time since I last posted a blog. Shame on me for waiting so long to post again. I'm sure everyone is curious to find out what's going on in my oh so exciting life. Well believe it or not, not much of anything is going on. I'm still trying to find a job and am not having much luck. Though I do have an interview tomorrow which I think will go well. In addition to that I'm applying to get my emergency substitute teaching certificate from the state so that I can be a substitute teacher and have at least some money coming in from time to time. I should get that within the next two weeks if the state doesn't sit on it's butt like usual.

I'm still in the singles circuit, I'm still living at home with my parents, and I hardly ever get to go out and have any fun. I don't have any friends in this area of the state and the highlight of my days is when the mail person comes around 3 or so in the afternoon. Pathetic isn't it? But I'm happy enough for now. Ok, make that content rather than happy. I know that things will pick up for me and change for the better once I start working. For one, when I do start working, I'll be better able to meet other people and therefore can make new friends. Also, I'll have money coming in which will help me in saving up for a down payment on another car and give me some spare money to go out and meet people on the weekends or whatever. The thing that sucks though is that all of this depends on me getting a job and the getting the job is the hardest thing to do.

I spend a lot of my time at home cleaning house, watching Star Trek, and reading books that I've gotten from the library. I don't have net access at home and my computer recently went caput on me, so any computer time that I have at all is seriously limited. I can only use the computer when I drive into town and use the library computers or when I'm at my brother's house and he lets me use his. I'm not used to not having 24/7 internet access or a computer to play games on, but sometimes you just have to deal with it and so that's what I'm doing.

Well, that's about all that's really going on in my oh so exciting life. Lots to talk about huh? Anyhoo, I'll post again later on. Take care all and have a nice day.

Quickie

2005-06-01T15:19:00.000-07:00

Just a quick update and will write in more detail later. Graduation was great. It was good to see so many of my friends and family there. I'm settled in back at home now. I've been keeping busy what with taking care of my mom and looking for a job. Still no luck job wise but I'm not giving up yet. Plus I've only been home two weeks. I can't expect too much right away.

Will write more later.

~C~

Upcoming Graduation

2005-04-25T18:37:00.000-07:00

Well, it's official. There is only three more weeks until graduation. Or 18 days if you want to look at it that way. It's basically this week, dead week, and then finals week. In a lot of ways its kind of scarey but it's also very exciting. I'd have to say that the one thing that scares me most about graduating, is that I don't know where I'll get a job at. There isn't much for me where my folks live, which is where I'll be going, but I really can't afford to go any place else until I get some money saved up. There are several job opportunities for me in Wichita and Newton but those are a long drive away from where my parents live. It's looking like I might just have to find some pud temporary job until I can get some money set aside and find a better job, one I actually want, and be able to afford a place to live. Or even if I could just save up enough money to put a down payment on a newer car, then maybe I could make the long commute from where my folks live to Wichita or Newton. As of right now, I don't trust my car to be able to do that every day. Plus gas prices are way to freakin high.

My mom, dad, brother, brother's girlfriend, and one of my aunts are supposed to be coming to graduation. Two of my friends I know for sure are coming. I am really hoping that my sister can come and bring my nephews with her. But she has two jobs now and gas costs a lot so it would be hard for her to make it. Still I hope that she can even if she can only come for the ceremony. I really am quite anxious to see my family again. I miss them all so much. When you live five hours away from home it makes it a little hard to go home on the weekends like some other students do.

I think I'm ready for graduation. Sure, I don't know where I'll end up working, but I'm ready to be out of school. I've been in college for five years now and I'm ready to go. Besides, I'm tired of reading text books and journal articles and doing research papers and all sorts of other boring stuff. Granted, it's all a part of the learning process and I love to learn. I'm just starting to get burned out on it though. I'm thinking perhaps I'll take a year to three years off after graduation, get my affairs in order and then see about coming back for a masters or taking my minor and turning it into a second major. It couldn't hurt. I also would like to take some more computer classes. I've only taken two computer classes in all of my five years and I think I'd enjoy taking more. Plus, learning about computers is fun and its something I seem to be good at. My brother thinks that with some hard work and a little bit of time, I could get as good at computers as he is. But he is lucky, he taught himself everything he knows about them. But hey, it pays to have a smart brother, seeming as how he is going to be building my next computer for me.

Well that's about it for now. Things are pretty hectic what with finishing up the last of school work, packing, and getting ready for graduation. If I don't write again before graduation you'll know its because I'm super busy. Take care all!

Current Happenings

2005-04-08T20:48:00.000-07:00

It hasn't been too awful long since I last blogged but still it's been awhile. A lot has been going on recently. Spring break came and went, uneventful as ever. I spent a good portion of spring break getting as many of my required volunteer hours out of the way as I could. I still have about nine and a half hours left to do, though when I'm going to do them with classes back in session and work as well is beyond me.

Graduation is getting closer and closer. Only 35 days left until the big day. I'm really excited about that.

I've been super busy working on projects for classes and doing assignments. You'd think being a senior you'd get a bit of a break but such is not the case and it really sucks. It probably wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't so much of a procrastinator, but what can I say? I think that sometimes I work better and do my best work when I'm under the pressure of meeting a deadline.

Work has been pretty crummy lately. We've been short handed cause people keep quitting which doesn't say much for where I work. The people at work are also being shit heads towards me because over spring break I got tendinitus in my foot and now I have doctors orders to stay off of my feet as much as possible and if I work I'm supposed to be as sedentary as possible while at work. Being sedentary in food service is kind of hard. The only sedentary jobs they have where I work is at the pasta station where I can pull up a chair to sit on, or as a checker who scans the student id cards so people can eat. So the people at work are basically just not wanting to work with me on adjusting things so I can follow the doctors orders. I tell ya, if I didn't need the money so bad I'd quit. I hate my job. Getting a paycheck, however small it is, is the only thing that keeps me working there.

I have fish now. Goldfish. I started out with two. One is a common goldfish that is silver and gold. I named her Kilala. The other was a type of goldfish called a Shubunkin. She was calico colored in silver, black, and gold. Her name was Misha. She died the other day though :( and from what I'm not sure. I think it might have been from me putting them in a new home. So anyway for awhile I just had Kilala, but today I went to the pet store and I found another goldfish I liked. This one is a fan tailed goldfish and it's all gold. I named him Nezdin. He's very pretty. They live in a 10 gallon aquarium with a filter and one small fake plant. I am going to get them more fake plants and decorations as well as tank mates once I get a bit more money.

My car was broke down for awhile. It kept dying on me when it was idling or when I would try to shift gears. It also backfired a lot. I thought maybe it was the fuel pump going bad or something wrong with the fuel system. I got it checked out and turned out the fuel pump is fine. Instead it was an ignition coil going bad. I had it replaced (which by the way was much cheaper than if I had to replace the fuel pump) and now my car is running just fine. I'm so glad I got my car running again. I tell you its hard to do things in college when you don't have a car. I don't see how some of the freshman girls on my floor that don't have cars can deal with it.

Well that's about it. Or at least that is all I can think of. My break from homework is over for now. I'll blog again later.

Take Care All!

Princess Christy

My Car is a POS!

2005-03-24T18:29:00.000-08:00

You would think that with as unreliable as cars can be, that they would be a whole heck of a lot cheaper. I've had my car for round about three years now. It's an old car and it has lots of miles on it, but even still you would think a car could last longer than 168,000 miles. My car is a 15 year old 1990 Chevy Lumina. A pretty good car. But lately it's been a regular POS. I think I'm having a problem with the fuel pump but I'm not sure. I got to get it into the shop to be looked at. Anyway, I really need my car right now and I'll need it even more after graduation. Sadly though, I don't think it will last me that long, and what's worse is I can't afford to get another car.

I don't see why cars have to cost so much anyway. Even when you buy the cheap ones you still end up putting twice what you paid for it into repairs. I would love it if car manufactures could make a car that would last for more than 168,000 miles. It'd be a damn miracle if they could make one that would last more than 200,000 miles or even just 200,000 miles.

*sigh* I just wish my car would work like its supposed to. I know its old and that I should expect problems with it, but they always come at the worst possible times.

Venting

2005-03-02T07:24:00.000-08:00

This semester really stinks. It's my last semester and its the most stressful of all. I missed a class the other day because I had gone to a blood drive to try and give blood and the teacher sent me an e-mail, which to me sounded very nasty and degrading. What irks me though is the fact that he even noticed I was gone. He has never noticed me before when I was in class, so why should he notice me when I'm not there?! Come on! Get a grip!

I'm just sick of school all together. I'm sick of the stress that comes with keeping up with readings for class and for doing assignments and writing papers. I'm sick of the worry about having and keeping a job just so I can pay for things I need while I'm here. I'm just ready to get the h e double hockey stick out of here. But wouldn't you know it, graduation is still another two and a half months away.

I've been so stressed out lately its not even funny. I've got all this school work to do, regular work, and practically no time for myself at all. To top it all off the days seem to be speeding by which in turn makes the week speed by. Granted, I should like the weeks going by fast because it just brings me closer and closer to graduation, but it feels like it cuts in on my time to work on stuff for class. It's like I want time to hurry so I can graduate, but at the same time I need it to slow down so I can get all this stupid work for classes done.

I've also been worrying a lot about my mom and about the rest of my family. My mom has been in the hospital lately because she has had some problems with her medications. We're hoping she'll get out this week, but I haven't heard anything yet. I wish that I could go home and stay with mom and take care of her and say to heck with school, but I'm so close to graduation that to do so would be pretty darn stupid.

To sum it all up, I'm stressed out, I am seriously hating school right now, and I'm worried about my mom and the rest of my family. Life and school really suck right now. Ok, that's my venting for the day. Later all.

New Friend, Work, and Wish List

2005-02-22T05:15:00.000-08:00

I've made a new friend recently. Well she isn't a full friend yet. But she is cool and she is fun to hang out with. Her name is Traci and she's 17 and a freshman here at my school. We take Basic Helping Skills together and are in the same group for class. Because we have to do a lot of group work together, we've gotten to know each other pretty well and have discovered that there aren't too awful many differences between us. I think her and I will stay friends for awhile.

Not a lot else is going on. Just the typical school work, regular work, and the usual procrastinating. Hehe. Last week I worked an extra couple of hours to make up for not working on my birthday the week before. I worked an extra dish shift and it was at closing time. Man that stunk big time! I am never working closing dish again. Not to mention the other two dish people I was working with that night had some really foul language coming out of there mouth. Now granted, I use foul language sometimes myself, and I don't mind hearing it from time to time, it won't bother me. But these two were back and forth at each other all night. I think it was all in good fun but it did get to the point where I had to ask them to tone down their language because it was starting to become really offensive to me. Haha, they even got "talked to" by the head chef telling them not to do it because the customers could hear them.

One very exciting thing happened last week. I had made a wish list on Amazon.com of some books I've been wanting in hardback. And the next thing I know I'm recieving packaging slips in my mail box practically every night of last week. The first night there was four, then the second night there was three, and two days after that there was another one. 8 in all and all were books from my wish list! I figured out who sent at least three of them for sure and that's all thanks to packaging slips. But the others, I can figure out who sent them, so it's still a bit of a mystery. But it is a great mystery! I'm working on writing a thank you letter to the person that I figured out sent me three of them. I'm very greatful to have gotten all of these books. They are books from the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan and now I have all of the books except four of them. I'm still missing books 3, 7, 9, and 10 in hard back. But hey I'm happy so I'm not going to complain.

That's all for now. I got to get going to get some breakfast before class. You all take care now. :)

Heart Broken Musings

2005-02-08T23:00:00.000-08:00

It took me a long time and lots of hard work, working on the revisions for my poetry portfolio. Cynthia had been the one I would go to and get suggestions from. She was good at seeing my mistakes or clarifying things that didn't make sense to me. I consider her a friend. She told me she thinks of me as a friend. But tonight she really hurt my feelings. I was excited about having finally finished my portfolio which is due tomorrow in class. I went out into the hallway because I was so excited and wanted to tell someone. She was out there, talking to someone. I didn't think and I interupted and told her that I had finally finished it. She looked at me, almost disdainfully, and said "That's great Chris." The thing is though, she sure the hell didn't sound excited as I had hoped. In fact it was as if she didn't care at all. Granted, I shouldn't have interupted, and I realize that now. But what she said and the way she said it really hurt. It still hurts. Is being friends with Cynthia going to be like being friends with Stephanie? Where I have to watch what I say and do around her just so she doesn't snap at me. I just wanted to share my excitement with someone I thought might appreciate it. Is that so wrong?

Now, because of all of this, I feel like everyone hates me. Ok, maybe not hates me, but definately like they don't want to be around me anymore. Its as if I've worn out my welcome once again. I can't ever seem to find that happy medium between being around people and not being around them. Most of the time I crave my solitude because then I don't get hurt. But like a sim I'm a social creature at times and I need to be around people. It's just that I always seem to choose to be around them when I'm not wanted. And that only makes it worse.

Sometimes I feel like people pitty me, like they're just talking to me or hanging out with me because they know how pathetic and depressed I am. When I think about them and their pitty for me, it makes me kind of mad but it also breaks my heart. I don't want people to pitty me. I just want to have friends and be liked, like other people are. All I've ever wanted was to fit in and feel like I belonged. I've always wanted to be normal, average, just another Jane Doe. But it's never been like that for me and I really hate that. I don't want people to pitty me or to act like they like me. I don't want them to spend time with me just because they think it will make me feel better. I just want to be one of them without all of that happening. But I don't think it will ever happen. It hasn't happened yet and I'm almost 24 freakin years old.

It's pathetic really. It being me. I'm constantly depressed and I never know if it's attention I'm craving or if it should be solitude. I can't help but wonder over and over again, what is my purpose here? Why was I created and why was I created different from everyone else? Why did I have to get the big caring heart that gets broken so easily? I didn't ask for any of this. It was all just given to me and I hate to say it, but most of the time, it's a gift I could most certainly do without. In some ways, its nice to know that I'm one of the few people left in this world that actually has a heart and knows how to use it. But that feeling doesn't come around very often, in fact its pretty rare. Maybe if the world wasn't so hateful, so cruel, and so heartless, maybe then, my life wouldn't seem so bad. But a world such as I wish for and dream of is a utopia and a utopia can never exist. Not even in death.

Busy Bee

2005-02-01T09:42:00.000-08:00

My life is pretty hectic right now and very very stressful. By looking at my schedule, one would think, oh she isn't busy at all. But that really isn't the case. I may not have that many classes, but I still have lots to do. In two of my classes I have these giant research projects I have to do. And what stinks is that these two classes are the ones I have to have in order to graduate in May, so there is added pressure there. Then, for some silly reason I thought I should take a creative writing class. Big mistake as far as time comittment is concerned. I love the class, but there is just so much writing I have to do outside of class that it's crazy. Now add that to the research stuff and already I have a pretty big plate full of stuff. I'm not done yet though. For one of my classes I have to do 48 hours of volunteer work or I automatically fail the course. I haven't even started that yet. My computer class isn't so bad. It's really something I'm just doing for fun and thankfully it doesn't take up much of my time. So that's all class stuff. But then you have to add in life stuff too. You can't complete my schedule without throwing life in there! Haha! So for life stuff I have my job in the dinning hall. It's only about 8 to 10 hours a week, but that still takes up time for other things. Also I really hate the job so I'm looking for a different job while I keep this one until I find something else. I have to have the money coming in. I also have to renew my DL this month and so I have to study for that test. And later on down the road I have to worry about putting in applications for places to work after graduation and so much other stuff!

ARGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talk about stress city. Oh great now it's time to go to classes! Whoever thought my last semester of college would be my busiest of all?!

Ex-Fiance Shows His Face

2005-01-20T20:39:00.000-08:00

Well I got quite the surprise this evening. My ex-fiance who broke up with me back in September finally decided to contact me. I'm really not sure what to think about it. But the conversation below is how things went down. I wonder what will happen next.

John: boo

Christy: Well, this is a surprise. Hello stranger.

John: thats my moms catchphrase

Christy: Yes, I know. I've learned a lot about your mom and have become rather close to her.

Christy: How are you?

John: im good

John: u?

Christy: So what made you decide to finally talk to me after four months of silence?

John: i got my net back finally

Christy: Oh I'm doing quite well thank you. Just sitting here at school in my last semester and planning graduation and what's going to happen afterwards.

Christy: So, you only talk to me online then...even when you should have my phone number as well as my address at school. And even if you didn't have them you could have always gotten them from your family seeming as how I keep in touch with them and I know you have talked to them from time to time.

John: cool

John: didnt have a fone either

Christy: Well I'm glad that you have gotten your internet back. I'm sure that makes you happy.

John: yeah, its how i keep in touch with alot of my friends

Christy: Did you ever get the pictures your mother sent you through e-mail of my new hair cut?

John: no, dont think so, lemme check

Christy: Alright. Did you happen to get the handwritten letter I sent you regarding the pictures that were taken of the two of us over the summer while I was in California?

John: that i did, the one with the wallets?

Christy: Yes.

John: didnt get the email

Christy: Ok. Well it was nothing special. I just remembered that someone told me, probably your mom, that mom had sent you that e-mail. I could be wrong though. You know my memory.

John: may have been looked at as junk mail and sent to my bulk folder

Christy: That's always a possibility.

John: hey gonna go off to a friends for a bit, if your still on when i get back, ill talk to you then?

Christy: Ok. Before you go, would you like to see me on web cam?

John: sure

((see new picture on profile in order to see the same image he saw))

Christy: I may or may not be online when you come back. I don't leave my computer on all the time anymore. It's old and doesn't like that.

Christy: So what do you think?

John: nice

John: you look like youve lost more weight

Christy: I have and I'm a lot healthier than I used to be. Plus, my good grades from last semester helped to boost my spirits, so I smile more now.

Christy: I sent you an e-mail about that. I got all A's and one B.

John: yeah, 3.8 and dean's list

Christy: I guess blondes can be smart huh?

Christy: Haha

John: well my bud showed up so imma get off here now

John: lol

Christy: Later. Have fun and be good.

John: i will

John: ttyl

Update

2004-12-16T13:52:00.000-08:00

Wow! One semester is already over with. It's almost hard to believe. In a way it's nice though because now I'm finally getting a break from classes. Plus, it means only one more semester until I graduate. I'm also really looking forward to seeing my family again. I really miss all of them.

I'm going home tomorrow after my last final is over with. It's going to be a long boring drive. But I'm sure the anticipation of just getting home will help me to pass the time. The thing that stinks about my drive home is there is a lot of driving time where there is dead radio air, meaning I can't pull in any stations at all. It stinks even more than that because I don't have a tape deck or a cd player in my car. I have a cd player, it just can't be used in my car. LOL! Five hours in a car can be rather tedious. I better make sure I get plenty of sleep tonight so I don't doze off in the car tomorrow. Not that I will. I've never done that and am always very careful when I drive. I just hope my car can make it home. It's an old P.O.S. but at least its still pluggin away.

Well, time to go do some last minute cramming for tonights final and tomorrows final. Happy holidays all!

With the good comes the bad

2004-12-04T22:34:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if maybe I would have been better off had I stayed married to my first husband. He was a good guy although a big baby that was always getting sick. But he was nice to me and cared about me. I could probably have the baby I've been wanting by now had I stayed married. Who knows, I could even be happy.

The sad thing is though, I didn't stay married to him. And now, I sit here in my college dorm room, in my pajamas at noon and wondering what the hell is going to happen with my life now. Its really rather pathetic and sad.

I guess you could say that I'm sort of throwing myself a little self pitty party. Though I really shouldn't. Just because I'm lonely and don't have everything I want, doesn't mean that my life is in shambles. If anything, I have a pretty good life. I have a car, a computer, a tv, stereo, playstation, cd's, friends, and I'm about to graduate from college with a great degree. I have a loving family and people that support me. I have all of this and I am thankful for it all. Though I can't help but still feel lonely and sad.

I found out just a bit ago that my ex-fiance doesn't care for me at all, even though he was the one who still wanted to be friends. I still care about him. I probably won't ever take him back but that doesn't mean I don't care. It's hard to imagine the reality that he was so loving and caring when we were together but now he is so heartless and cold towards anything about me. I'll admit I was very upset with him when he broke things off with me and in some ways I'm still kind of mad at him for it. I still care about him and hope that he is doing well. I even still talk to those that were to be my in-laws had he and I married. If I had the capability in my heart to be cold and heartless towards him and his family then I would probably do it too. But I'm not like that. I wasn't made that way. My heart is too big and because of that I will continue to care and remember, just as I now continue to care and remember my ex-husband and all those that I have dated before.

I like the heart that I have and all the caring and kindness I can show to others. It turely is a blessing to have a heart like this in a world were so many people do not. And at times I don't like having this heart because despite all the kindness and caring I can give, my heart brings with all that an equal amount of pain that feels five times heavier than it actually is. But in order to have that which you want and need, you have to take the bad with the good for there is nothing in this world that is perfect because perfect only exists in a utopia and a utopia can only exist in heaven, a place you cannot go to without leaving this world behind. So until the day that I leave this world behind, I will continue to carry this heart inside of me and I will continue to freely give all the love and caring that I have. In return I will accept the pain that comes with it and endure it as best I am able. Because I know that one day, I will be able to go to that utopia and finally be rid of the pain that seems so hard to bear.

Snow and Christmas

2004-11-24T09:50:00.000-08:00

Well it is official. Pittsburg is getting it's first snow of the winter on November 24th, 2004. It's not a very strong snow. In fact it's really light and it isn't sticking to anything except parked cars. The ground is still kind of warm and so melts the snowflakes. But I'm so happy that it is snowing. I love it when it snows. Snow is so white and pretty, soft and wet. I really love the snow. What is ironic though is that the other night I bought that fake snow spray that you put on windows and stuff and put it on the windows in my room. When I wake up this morning I find that it really is snowing outside! How cool is that?!

I put some Christmas lights up last night too. I couldn't resist. I know that Thanksgiving is tomrrow and that Christmas comes after Thanksgiving. But I love Christmas too much to wait and put them up later. Christmas is my most favorite of holidays next to Valentine's day. I love the snow, the twinkling lights, the snowmen, snowball fights, the giving, and everything that goes along with Christmas. I remember that when I was little my family would all pile into the car at night and go driving through town looking at all the houses with their Christmas lights and decorations. I always enjoyed that so much. I can't wait until I have my own place. Then I can go all out on decorations and really go nuts putting up lights and wreaths, and all sorts of other things! And you know, unlike most people I don't want to get presents for Christmas. Sure it's nice to get them, but personally I'd rather give than get. I like to see the look on people's face when they open up a present Christmas morning and it's exactly something that they've been wanting. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling to know that I made someone happy by giving them something they have been wanting.

Ramblings

2004-11-23T11:17:00.000-08:00

Well, Thanksgiving break is finally here, but mine hasn't officially started yet. Technically break starts after your classes are over with today. Sadly my only class today is my night class which starts at 5. And what stinks is that my partner and I have to give our presentation tonight for our research project. We're second to go as far as the order is concerned and we have to stay the whole class period too. That's going to be so boring! I'm not really looking forward to tonight. But I am looking forward to having the room to myself for a couple of days. It will be nice to not have my roommate around. She's a nice roommate and I like her, but I'm not used to someone being around all the time.

I've been getting a lot of hours in for work. I turned in my first time sheet last Friday. I had a total of 24 hours for the two weeks. This week I'm going to have to do all of my work early since the library will be closing for part of break. I've already gotten 9 hours in so far and that's just yesterday and today so far. I'd work in my room but my computer doesn't have PowerPoint, which is essential to my work and the floppy drive on it is broken. Plus it's been acting screwy lately anyway. But I don't mind working extra hours at the begining of the week. It's very mind taxing but this way at least I'll have more time to enjoy my break from classes.

I went on a date Friday night. It totally sucked. Needless to say I ended the date as soon as the movie was over and I haven't talked to the guy since. He was very needy, clingy and talked way too much. Kind of like the last guy I went out with. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find a guy that isn't completely nuts. In retrospect I think the only guy I ever went out with that wasn't a complete nut was my ex-husband. He was still a nut but not as much as others I have gone out with. I don't really need a guy right now, but it would be nice to have one. I like the feeling that someone is there for me and I like to be held at night. It gives me a sense of security. Maybe that sense of security that I need is the reason I still sleep with my stuffed animals. Haha!

Quick Update

2004-11-17T19:15:00.000-08:00

It's been about a week since I last wrote. In fact it has been a week, technically. But I've been very busy. With thanksgiving break just around the corner, my teachers are really piling the work on. I've been spending a good deal of my time at the library either working on things for classes or working on things for work. I logged in over 13 hours of work last week and over 8 hours so far this week. I have to turn my time card in on Friday. I can't wait until I get my first paycheck. It will be nice to finally have at least some money coming in.

That's all I've got for now. I've got to get back to my school work. Until next time!

Perks

2004-11-10T08:20:00.000-08:00

I'm really liking my new job. I started on Monday and so far its a lot of fun. I spend a lot of time on the computer which is ok by me and I get to make power point presentations and notes for classes. Sometimes the work really taxes my mind because I have to think about if what I'm creating will make any sense to others. But the fact that I get to work pretty well whenever I want helps to outweigh that negative. I also really don't have any set work time or place. I was just given some tasks for the week and am supposed to report back to my boss on Friday. I've already finished the first task and am waiting on feedback for it. Either tonight or tomorrow I'm going to do more work on the second task. The one thing that sucks though, is that it is only for the semester. So when next semester starts I'll have to find a different job. :(

I've decided I'm not going to go home for Thanksgiving break. I really want to, but I can't afford it. I especially can't afford it since I won't be getting my first paycheck for about four weeks. For some reason whenever you have an on campus job, your pay is always two weeks behind. I have found a ride part of the way home for Christmas break. Just got to get someone from my family to meet me halfway and take me the rest of the way home. That is of course if I don't get the money to get my car tags renewed. Mom is seeing if she can get me on her auto insurance. She says that with my good driving record and having a third car on their policy that it will make their insurance cheaper. If thats the case and I don't have to pay her for it, then I'm all for it. I actually had a dream last night that I had gotten a letter in the mail and inside was a pink card that said that my car had full coverage insurance. Why full coverage and a pink card I don't know. But maybe that dream was telling me that mom was able to get me on their auto insurance and she just hadn't been able to tell me about it yet.

That's all for now. Take care all!

Success Begins with the First Step

2004-11-06T13:22:00.000-08:00

Success. An interesting word that has multiple meanings. To some people it means being rich and famous, to others, success is seen as simply finishing school or starting a family. Regardless of what it means, it is something that everyone desires and strives for. I am just one of the many. The thing about success is that in order to achieve it, you've got to go after it. Success isn't just going to come to you. You have to take that first step along the path of many, in order to succeed at whatever it is you are trying to succeed at.

My journey for success started the day I was born and has changed often since that time. Some of my first successes were learning how to walk and talk to name a few. At the start of this semester I had several things I wanted to succeed at. I wanted to find a job, to do well in my classes, and to move on to my final semester so that I could graduate. I've been succeeding as far as my classes are concerned and did not receive any down slips at mid semester. And Monday I'll enroll for my classes in my final semester which will help me work on finishing up that path of success.

My path of success for finding a job though has been a constant struggle with many, many disappointments along the way. That though has thankfully changed recently. I applied for a job within the department that has my major and I found out yesterday that I got the job. I didn't think I would get it because I had been turned down for so many jobs earlier on in the semester. But I never gave up hope that I would eventually find a job. The job isn't what I ultimately want to do, it's just something to help me out for the time being. It only pays $5.15 an hour and it's only 4 to 8 hours a week. But it is a step in the right direction. With this job I can finally be able to pay for my car tags so that they don't expire. I might even get to go home for Thanksgiving without having to ask for someone to give me a ride. And once I pay for my car tags, all I'll have to do is save up the money for gas so that I can go home for Christmas break without having to ask my parents to come and get me. It will be nice to not have to rely on others so often. I really don't like doing that. And now that I have this job I have taken yet another step towards success. A step that though small, will help me reach my end goal.

So regardless of how you personally define success always keep in mind that to achieve it, success begins with the first step.

Gloomy Day

2004-11-03T09:15:00.000-08:00

Today is a really slow day. It's cold and rainy and everything seems so gloomy. I like the cold weather that comes with the fall, but I don't like the rain. I went to my psych class this morning. It was pretty boring. We're talking about dissociative and somatoform disorders. Today we talked predominatly about multiple personality disorder. I didn't like hearing about that. It just seems to freaky to me. This afternoon I meet with my advisor to discuss my schedule for next semester. I only have two classes that I'm required to take in order to graduate. But if I want to get my money for school I have to be at least a full time student. A full time student carries a minimum of 12 hours. But the two classes that I have to take don't even add up to half of that amount of time. So I've been having to try and find other classes to take just to make it so that I'll be considered a full time student. It's kind of hard too because most of the classes I've either already taken, don't apply to what I want to do, or I just don't want to take them. Hopefully my advisor can help me out for once.

I really miss my family. I wish I had the money and time to go home and see them. I might not even get to see them for Thanksgiving break. I hope that that isn't the case but you never know. I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Justice and Selfishness

2004-10-31T14:27:00.000-08:00

I've been working on a story lately, a controversial one, that I think I am actually going to finish. Most of my stories, I'll start them, but I can never get past the first chapter before I get writers block. So I have a lot of starter stories, but I've never been able to finish them. This one though, this one I'm already on the third chapter and I don't foresee any writers block at all. I hope that's the case. *knocks on wood* This story that I'm writing is about a young woman from a rich family that is trying to make it on her own because she doesn't like the whole rich person lifestyle. But that isn't what makes the story somewhat controversial. What makes it that way is the fact that the main character is a lesbian and she gets wrongfully accused of a case of sexual assault. I'm thinking that I'm going to call it... Justice; Just Another Meaningless Word Pretty cool huh? I think so.

I was recently told by someone close to me, that the guy that broke up with me back in September is doing ok. I'm glad to know that. He still means a lot to me and I still miss him. I can't help but wonder if he regrets what he did or if he ever will. Not that I want him to regret it. I just want him to be happy. But it would make for a bit of ironic revenge.

I don't know how I feel about anything anymore, especially about men and my ex in particular. I've lost all desire for any relationship with anyone and my desire for intimate relationships. The intimate part is what is weird for me because I've always had a high sex drive.

Could it be that I've been hurt so many times that this last time was just the icing on the cake that made the mountain that was my heart crumble? Can I ever rebuild the mountain? I have in the past, maybe I still can. But right now I don't really want to. I feel like I need to be depressed and self centered. For once in my life I need to do things with only myself in mind. It will be hard. I'm not used to being selfish, but I think that I can do it. My geometry teacher from high school would always say to me "Christina never quit! Don't you ever quit!" Even though he always said my name wrong and he was talking about not quiting when it came to math, his words have stuck with me ever since and they've helped me through so much in my life. Maybe it's those words that I need to remember right now to help me through this.

Depression : What it really is...

2004-10-28T19:43:00.000-07:00

I have been battling with depression ever since I was 11 years old. There are times when I have done just fine without taking medication and then there are times when I can't function without it. This past year to two years has been the case where more often than not, I can't function well without my medication. And so I take my medication and I go on with life as best I can.

But through my years of battling this abnormal behavior, I've noticed that not many people really understand what depression actually is. Most people think they know but in all actuality they only see the tip of the iceberg when it comes to this topic. This post has a different goal than my other posts. My other posts were ways for me to vent my frustrations. However, this post has the goal to inform. I want to inform people about depression, what it is, and how it affects people. I hope that by the time you finish reading this, you will have gained a greater understanding about the abnormal behavior known as depression and have gained more empathy (not sympathy) for those who have it.

Depression or Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) is a mood disorder. It is characterized by 5 or more of the following symptoms experienced for the past 2 weeks and includes depression and anhedonia. Symptoms include:

~ Depressed mood characterized by sadness most of the day, every day as experienced by the individual or reported by others.

~ Loss of pleasure or interest in usual activities (this is what anhedonia is) most of the day, every day.

~ Disturbance of appetite; appetite can either increase or decrease but must show at least a 5% change of weight in a one month period.

~ Sleep disturbance including insomnia or hypersomnia.

~ Psychomotor retardation or agitation (Psychomotor refers to movement)

~ Loss of energy or persistent fatigue

~ Feelings of worthlessness and inappropriate guilt

~ Difficulties in concentration or indecisiveness

~ Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide

Keep in mind that symptom onset is gradual as is symptom decline. Both can last for several months or longer.

4% of men and 6% of women in the US population experience Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) during a month. Rates are higher in Whites relative to African-Americans or Mexican-Americans. The ratio of women to men with Major Depressive Disorder is 2:1 indicating that 26% of women versus 12% of men have a lifetime prevalence of this disorder. Rates climb in mid-adolescence and peak in early adulthood. 80% of patients experiencing MDD will experience future episodes. The likelihood of relapse is predicted by earlier age of onset, number of previous episodes, being a woman, painful life events, and unsupportive family. Typically 66% of people with MDD will recover within 4-6 months.

MDD is treatable and can be overcome. Typically it is treated with therapy or medications or possibly even both. Some studies have shown that combining therapy with medication is the most ideal way to treat the disorder.

For those that suffer from MDD life can be pretty difficult and is a constant challenge. I have given you some information regarding this disorder and I hope that it has helped you to better understand it. Only your doctor can diagnose depression and if you think that you have some of the symptoms talk to your doctor about it and find out if treatment is really necessary. The information I've provided you with has been adapted from Abnormal Psychology : Current Perspectives (9th Edition) which is my text book for my Abnormal Psych class. The information has also partially come from my class notes as well.

The Heart and Blood

2004-10-28T19:38:00.000-07:00

Today was going pretty good as was yesterday. But things kind of went down hill during nutrition class tonight. During one of our breaks I was working on filling out an application for a job. I pointed out something to my neighbor (whom I'm sort of friends with) on the application that I thought was rather stupid and she damn near bit my head off! My neighbor is the kind of girl that tends to take her own stress out on others and not even realize that she is doing it. She also doesn't seem to like to spend too much time with me. Basically, if she snaps at me like she did tonight I know it's time to back off and just leave her the h e double hockey stick alone for about a week or so. It really sucks too because she is a nice girl and I want to be able to be her friend without having to worry about if she is going to get upset at me for something when really she is just upset about something going on in her life. Normally her doing this would not have bothered me and I would have just shrugged it off. But tonight for some reason it really hurt. Stupid I know but it did. Now I've never had a real knife go through my heart, but when she did what she did it felt like that might feel. I actually felt a real pain in my chest where my heart is. But I always get that feeling when I get hurt or when I have to hurt someone. Not that I ever want to or try to hurt people.

I don't know, maybe I'm just too damn sensitive for my own good. Goodness knows I've always had a big heart. Everyone in my family says so. Sometimes though I can't help but wonder if maybe having such a big heart is a curse. Granted, most people (in the masses-I'm not naming names) don't have much of a heart or even as big of a heart as I do. Too many people these days care only about themselves and their little world and not enough about others. Me, on the other hand, I care a lot about other people. I can't stand to see someone hurting and I can't stand to hurt people. I always, always put others before myself and go out of my way when possible in order to make sure others are happy, putting myself last. My mom says it is my big loving heart that makes me this way and I like being this way. But sometimes I want to be selfish, I want to be able to care only about myself and my little world. But it is hard for me to do that. Very hard.

Speaking of hearts, I gave blood today. I like to give blood. Although it hurts some and takes a lot of my time I always feel as if I'm helping out so many people when I go to give blood. I tried to give blood at a blood drive about two months or so ago but I couldn't because the amount of iron in my blood was at 37%. The Red Cross wants it to be at least 38% or they don't think that it is healthy for you to donate. And being a woman my iron level is always bouncing around, especially during that time of the month. Today's donation took about two hours but that was because there was so many people there. Once I finally did get to one of the special chairs where they have you sit while the blood goes into the bag, the collection only took ten minutes. I always make sure to hydrate myself really well before going to give blood. It makes the donation part go a lot quicker. You know, I've been donating blood ever since I started college back in 1999. And since my named changed I have donated 10 pints of blood. That's two pints over a gallon! How many I donated before my name changed I don't know but I think its pretty cool. I like the fact that when I donate blood, the blood I donate can help to save someone else's life. I know that someday if I am ever in the hospital and need blood, that someone else will have donated and thanks to their donation I can be helped too. It's a great feeling.

Belonging

2004-10-23T10:15:00.000-07:00

Maybe its just me, or maybe its my depression, but the longer that I am here at school, the more I feel like I don't belong. I'm so different from everyone else, especially the other girls on my floor. For starters, I'm the only person that is a senior and that will graduate in May. I'm also one of the oldest girls on the floor too. The other two girls are 24 and 29 but they are exchange students and graduate students, so I don't really count them. Other than those two and myself, the rest of the girls on the floor are freshman, sophomores, or juniors and they all have their own friends and cliques. Another thing that makes me different is that I'm a big girl. No one else on my floor is big at all except maybe in height. They are all skinny little things which just makes me self concious. Lately my roommate has been spending a lot of time out of the room and talking to the RA. Though I think that my roommate likes me, I can't help but think that maybe she really doesn't like me. Could it be my snoring she doesn't like, or that I spend a lot of time on my computer or watching tv?

Why do I have to be the one that doesn't fit in and isn't liked? All I've ever wanted in life was to feel like I belonged somewhere and with someone or someones. But it's never been like that. I've always been an outsider, like a hungry beggar gazing through the glass window of a resturaunt and dreaming about finally getting something, anything to eat. I could talk to the others about this, and talk to my roommate but I know what would happen if I did. They would pitty me. They would spend more time with me for awhile, trying to make me feel better and once I did feel better (if I fell for it) they'd stop doing it and go back to leaving me out.

I don't want their pitty and I don't want them to think that they have to make me feel like I belong. If I'm going to belong anywhere or be a part of anything, I'm going to do it because I truely do belong and am a part of something. I will not be the product of pitty and I will take my differences and stand out on my own, solitary and free. They will not hold me down, will not hold me back. One day I will belong and they will all be envious of me instead of me being envious of them. Until then, I will stay silent and go on with my life. It will hurt, it does hurt, even now. But it is what I must do to surrvive. It is all I know.

Stressed

2004-10-21T12:51:00.000-07:00

Today is a muggy and dreary day. It's cloudy and disgustingly warm and wet. I don't like days like these, they are so depressing. The is actually going by a lot faster than I expected it to. All ready it's about around 2:30 in the afternoon. It feels like I just woke up an hour ago. I don't feel like I've gotten anything done either, even though I've done a lot of studying for my nutrition exam tonight.

I hope that tonight's nutrition exam isn't too hard. It's only going to be over the chapter on protein and the chapter on vitamins. I've got the vitamin chapter pretty good, but the protein chapter is kind of throwing me off. I'm sure I'll do fine, I just got to keep studying.

My job search is going no where. I keep applying for jobs and still nothing. I've applied for three already this week. Picked up two more applications the other day. I still need to stop by the nursing homes and pick up applications there. I've even turned in applications on campus. I really hate that I can't find a job. It seems as if everyone else can just snap their fingers and get a job, but me, well I do that and then some and still don't get one. I don't get it and it's so unfair. Without a job I can't go home for Thanksgiving break like I would like to, I can't pay for my car tags next month, and I can't pay for my doctors appointments in November and December, as well as no money leaves me with the question of how will I get home for Christmas break. *sigh* It's so depressing. I have the perfect schedule to allow me to work during the day and I'm really qualified, but I'm just not finding anything. And I'll be damned if I'm going to go back to working in food service. I'm sorry, some people may like it and more power to them, but I've done it and I'll never do it again. I just can't let myself sink that low, it would be like going against all my values and beliefs.

I tell you, all this studying and worry about a job and money has been giving me some of the worst headaches lately. I've been taking ibuprofen for the headaches, but it only does so much. I know that if I could just get a job, things would be easier and I wouldn't have quite so many headaches. *sigh* Well, it's time to go back to the books and study some more. Bye for now.

Staying Single

2004-10-17T13:18:00.000-07:00

Well, I told him that I didn't want to be his girlfriend. I told him that I didn't mind being friends but that I am just not ready to be someone's girlfriend again. He tried to act like it didn't hurt him, but I know his type. It hurt him. I'm sad that it did because I don't like to hurt anyone but he was moving way too fast.

I think that perhaps I'll just stay single for awhile. Go out on a date or two from time to time if I'm asked, but nothing serious. I'd really just rather concentrate on myself. I mean I've got so much going on already what with this being my last year of school and not knowing where I'll be going after I graduate. Why do I need a guy around to complicate things? Maybe after I get settled down in a life after college, I might consider trying to find someone new. But right now it just doesn't seem to be the thing to do.

Irritants and an A

2004-10-13T08:41:00.000-07:00

Matt called me last night. He said he missed me and asked if I missed him. I told him I did just to make him happy. I don't really miss him. Sure he is fun to hang out with, but I do have other things that occupy my mind besides him. Apparently though, I'm the only thing that occupies his mind. He says he can't wait until Friday when we go out again. Granted, I'm looking forward to it as well because we can have fun again, but he is all like why isn't it Friday yet, and all that. Matt even mentioned something about us being together for a long time. I reminded him that I'm going to be graduating in May and don't know where I'll be going. And he's all like yea, but we'll have been together 8 months by then. Sheesh! I think I may be leading this guy on too much. I want to tell him to back off a little, but he is so enamored with me and has such a gentle heart, that I'm afraid it would really hurt him. Problem is, is that if I let this keep going, it will be even worse later on down the line. I don't see myself with Matt for a very long time. I don't even see myself living with him let alone marrying him. Somehow I have a feeling that maybe that is what he ultimately wants. I don't know. Guys are wierd and this one especially so.

Monday in my Interacting with Children class, we got back the quiz we took last week over chapter 7. We only had two class periods to learn the stuff before the quiz because of the shortened week. I haven't been doing too well on the quizes and with the teachers grading scale, the grade is even worse than it really looks. So for this last quiz I studied like crazy. I read the notes a million times (not litterally but a lot) and even took notes of the notes! I was so sick of not doing well on the quizzes that I finally did something about it. Well anyway, the teacher handed back the quiz on Monday and said that not very many people did very well on it. She even told the class that only one person had scored a 15 out of 15. Well wouldn't you believe it?! All that studying paid off. I was the one who got that score! I was so happy when I saw it that I gasped and almost jumped up and hugged the teacher (I didn't really but I wanted to. I was that happy!). It was kind of funny though because my gasp was pretty loud and everyone turned and looked at me. Normally I would have blushed and tried to hide my face but I was too happy to do so. The smile I had on my face when I saw that grade was my biggest smile so far this month. I hope that this Friday when we have a quiz over chapter 8 that I can do it again.

Fall, Dating, and Essay Writing

2004-10-11T08:35:00.000-07:00

Fall is my most favorite season of the four. I like how beautiful everything looks when the leaves on the trees change colors. The air has a crisp, slightly cool feeling to it and is neither too warm or too cold. Lots of changes are taking place in the fall and all of these things are what makes it my favorite season. There is one thing about fall that I don't like though, and that is the rain that comes with it. The cloudiness, the cold rain, and the wet and slippery streets can be so depressing, not to mention a great annoyance. I know that the rain helps plants to grow and lots of other things, but it certainly doesn't help my mood any. It has been raining off and on for the past two days now and it makes me just want to sleep.

I have another date this weekend with the guy I went out with on Friday. His name is Matt, by the way. This time we're going to go bowling. We're not sure what we'll do after that, but I'm sure he or I will think of something. I hope it goes ok. We seem to get along well, we have a lot of things in common, and we have a lot of fun when together. Though lately I've been noticing that he can be slightly irritating. I mean he called me like four times last week before our date just to make sure about different things. He hasn't called me yet this week, but I have talked to him online. Last night when I was talking to him, I told him I needed to let him go so that I could get back to work on my essay for a class. He said ok and so I went back to my work. I haven't even sat down for 30 seconds when he messages me again and asks if I dreamed about him the other night! It's sweet in some ways, but also odd and irritating. It was irritating because I really needed to work on the essay and it was odd because we've only gone out once. Sure, we've talked several times online, but nothing really serious. He already calls me his girl and tells me that he dreams about me. I don't think I've ever had a guy that was this far head over heals for me. Not even my first husband was like that. I'm not sure what I'll do. I'll of course still go out with him this coming Friday. I don't pass up the chance to get out and do fun stuff, especially if someone else is paying. But if this stuff keeps up, the being irritating and all, I might have to tell him to cool it a little. I just hope that if I do have to tell him that, that he doesn't take it the wrong way. He seems like the type of guy that can be hurt real easily (emotionally that is).

Yea, so I mentioned an essay I was working on the other night. Well it isn't just one essay, it's five. The teacher for my Family Violence and Child Abuse class gave us a take home final that had five really in depth essay questions to answer. Boy has it been a challenge! Makes me glad it's take home rather than during class. Makes it a lot easier for me to focus on what I need to write and put in everything she wants. The five essays are due at the beginning of class on Tuesday. I finished two of them yesterday and plan to finish two more today, maybe three if I can swing it. But I'm not going to push myself harder than my brain can handle because I'm going to have other midterms to take besides this one. Since class isn't until 5 in the evening on Tuesday nights, I figure that I can write the last essay on Tuesday and have all five of them ready to go before class starts. Thankfully the essays don't have to be longer than two pages, which makes it slightly easier. That also makes it harder though, because she wants a lot of information, and for me it is hard to give back all that same information without going into a lot of detail and making the essay really long. It used to be, back when I started college, that I had trouble meeting the word or page requirements for writing papers. Now its more like I exceed the requirements, especially when I'm given restrictions on how long something can be.

I Actually Did It

2004-10-08T20:39:00.000-07:00

Well, I did it. I went out with someone else. And I actually had a lot of fun. The guy is really sweet, and definately a talker. First we went to the arcade and played a lot of the games and won a bunch of tickets. With the tickets, he got for me an adorable stuffed orange bear, wearing a black cape and a witches hat. After the arcade we went to dinner at a resturaunt called Cafe' del Rio. It wasn't a super fancy place, but it's much better than McDonalds or some other such place. The food was good and the conversation was good too, even though it was a little one sided. I never knew one guy could talk so much. I wonder if maybe he was talking so much because he was nervous. Who knows? Guys are an enigma to me. Anyway, after dinner we came back to my dorm room. We played several playstation games and had a lot of fun just talking, laughing, and playing the games. He was a really good sport when I beat him at a few of the games we played.

All in all, I'd say it went pretty well. He's a good kisser to. I'd like to see him again and he said he wants to see me again. He mentioned next Friday. I'm thinking I'll say yes to that. If I do I'll have to really get to work on my school work so that I don't fall behind and so that I don't have to say no to him because of school work.

Speaking of school work, since my date is over, I'd better get back to doing it. Or rather get started on it. Haha!

Weight Loss

2004-10-06T08:55:00.000-07:00

I've been working on loosing weight since March of this year and so far have made fairly steady progress. I started out at 332 pounds and after being weighed today, am at 315 pounds. It's not a very dramatic weight loss and it's not as fast as I would like, but I am happy that I am getting rid of the excess weight. My ultimate goal is to get to 160 pounds. It will take me awhile but I will do it.

The weight loss itself is both encouraging and discouraging. It is discouraging because of the fact that it is so slow and it takes a lot of extra work and effort on my part that just gets added to my already pretty busy schedule. What does encourage me though is seeing the pounds come off where the numbers are concerned and loosing the sizes. When I started out, I wore a woman's size 26. Now I'm down to a 24.

With 17 pounds lost to date, I am hoping to loose another 25 by the time Christmas break arrives. It will certainly be a struggle, but I am going to do what I can to get it off. I don't mind being big. I like that it sets me apart from others. But I also don't like being big, because it makes finding a significant other or even just someone to date, a hard thing to do. Typically, though not always, a guy will go for the girl that is skinny or of average weight. I'm neither of those, but I hope to be there some day.

Wish me luck, and pray that I can keep up my will power so that I can keep loosing the weight.

Confused

2004-10-03T18:50:00.000-07:00

I'm a little confused with my life right now. And the main reason I'm confused is because I don't know if I should still be single or not. My most recent guy, who I was engaged to marry, told me that he wanted a temporary seperation until he could find his heart. From what he told me after that, I'm not his true love. I was devastated by this and am still recovering from it. He asked if we could still be friends. I said yes. Though I know it will be awkward. I still love him, and I still carry hope that he'll grow up and realize what he has done so that he'll change and want me back.

But what confuses me is the temporary part. Is it really temporary? Should I continue to hold onto the hope and wait for him? What makes the confusion even worse though, is the fact that another guy has asked me out. I'm not sure how to answer him. He seems like a nice enough guy and he lives close by. But do I tell him yes and risk being disloyal to the other one? It's really bothering me and I'm not sure what to do. I suppose that I'm not sure what to do because I don't know how permanent this thing between my ex and I is.

Do I even want to be in a relationship right now?

Homecoming

2004-10-02T19:17:00.000-07:00

Today was homecoming at my university. Homecoming is always a huge event here. So huge in fact that the entire week before the big day is filled with all sorts of homecoming activities. On Monday it was yard art and gorilla games. Tuesday was the official presentation of the king and queen candidates. Wednesday was convocation where we voted for homecoming king and queen. Then Wednesday night there was a comedian preforming in the student center. I went to see him and he was really, really funny. Thursday was an event called Yell Like Hell. That's always a fun event. What happens is that different organizations on campus put together a routine which includes a dance, a cheer, and a human pyramid of some sort. These can be in any order and the groups only have five minutes a piece to do their routine. Then they get judged and this year, RHA (Residence Hall Assembly) my favorite organization, finally got 1st place in the co-ed division. I love going to this event. It's so much fun to see the people out on the field dancing and cheering. It's kind of like a big pep rally to get ready for the game. There weren't any special events going on Friday night, but groups on campus were rushing to finish building their floats for the homecoming parade.

The parade started at 9 this morning. I didn't go because I'm not a big parade person. But from what I was told it was an excellent parade and all the floats were very well done. The game started at 2 this afternoon and we played against the Ichabods. That's the team for Washburn University in Topeka, KS. We've played them every year for homecoming and even with them being 3 and 0 we still mopped the floor with their butts! We always do though, so I wasn't surprised. I actually left after the first quarter was over. I'm not a football fan and the noise was giving me a headache. But I did go for a little while to show my support. We beat the Ichabods 70 to 14! Talk about a major win! It would have been even more cool had we kept them from scoring at all, but still, we did a great job. The Pittsburg State Gorillas have always been an awesome team.

Pains and Good Grades

2004-09-30T20:39:00.000-07:00

Today went pretty good. Nice and easy. My knee was hurting me a lot today. I don't know why my knees are causing me so much trouble lately. I mean, I know they are messed up, but they've never hurt so much or so often before. Maybe it's just the season's changing. Who knows?

I went to Nutrition class tonight. It was pretty boring. More talk about protein and what it does in the body. Last week we had our first exam in that class. We got the exam back today. Most people didn't do very good. There were only two A's and just a few B's. The rest were C's and below. I'm so happy with my grade. I was one of the few that got a B! Very cool! Even more cool is that I thought I'd get a C or something. To find out that I got a B instead is just super cool.

That's all for today. More tomorrow.

Da Bomb!

2004-09-29T08:02:00.000-07:00

I swear, I have got to be da bomb when it comes to school work and tests! I just got back my first test from my Abnormal Psychology course (a 500 level course mind you) and got a 91% ! How cool is that?! The teacher even said to me, "Pretty good for someone who doesn't have a book". And you know what, it's true. I don't have the book for the class. Couldn't afford to buy even a used copy. Teacher put a copy of the text book on reserve in the library but I can only check it out for two hours at a time. And with my schedule being as busy as it is, it's hard to get over there to check it out and read it. In fact I didn't even end up reading any of the chapters that were covered on the test. I must be gifted.

Also, on a lot of my other assignments in other class, especially the daily assignments, I've been getting full points. Granted, the daily assignments are pretty easy but every little bit helps.

I am so da bomb!

Hunk Alert!

2004-09-27T20:55:00.000-07:00

Ok, so there is this guy that lives here in the same dorm as I do. His room is in the basement where as mine is on first floor. I've only seen him a few times but he is really, really hot! Tonight at an all hall program I sat next to him and couldn't help but take more than really long glances at him. I also finally found out that his name is Montez or that is what he is called. Not sure if I spelled it right.

Montez is a black guy, which makes him so much more gorgeous to me. I've always wanted to be with a black man. He also smells sooo good (a weakness of mine I might add). Not to mention he is fit and has lots of muscles. He's not necessarily tall, but he isn't short either. I wonder if he has a girlfriend or if he'd even be interested in me.

I can't help but drool every time I see him or think about him. *swoon*

Rejected Again

2004-09-27T18:02:00.000-07:00

I had applied for a job here on campus about a week and a half to two weeks ago. It was a perfect job for me to have while on campus. They wanted someone that could work Tuesdays' and Thursdays'. My Tuesdays' and Thursdays' are completely free until 5 at night! They wanted someone that was eligible for federal work study. I'm eligible for it and even said I would accept it. The job was as a clerical assistant in the department of management and marketing and required a lot of office skills. I have a lot of office skills, most of them self taught! I wrote a cover letter for this job, I revamped my resume entirely, and I even provided a copy of my class schedule so that they would see that I was available. I even told them that if they wanted proof of my eligibility for federal work study, that I would get that for them too.

I was rejected again!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!

I really wanted this job but more than that I really need it. My parents can't help me out financially when it comes to school, nor can anyone else in my family. I'm doing this entirely on my own and without a job it's really hard to do. I don't understand why it's so hard for me to get an on campus job! I've applied for multiple jobs over and over again, but still nothing. I did almost have this one temporary job but it wouldn't work into my class schedule very well because of my night classes so I was rejected for that one too. Even over the summer when I tried to find a job out in California I couldn't get one.

Rejection, rejection, rejection!

I swear, it is so irritating and so unfair. I bet you that they gave the job to some blonde bimbo (no offense towards blondes--I'm just venting) that doesn't know the difference between a computer and a copy machine. Or even worse they gave it to some stuck up rich person who is going to school on their parents' money and doesn't even need a job! I really don't know who they gave it to but it just makes me so mad. I tried so hard to get it and I NEED it. When your expected family contribution according to the federal government is only $66 and your family can't even contribute $1, then you know that you need a job.

I don't know how I'm going to pay for insurance on my car or for my car tags in November. I have an etiquette dinner coming up for a class that I have to attend that's going to cost me somewhere between $10 and $15, none of which I have. I was only able to buy one book for class and I was only able to get it because I had sold off my Magic the Gathering cards over the summer.

Ack! Ok, I've been venting for awhile now. I feel a little bit better but I'm still pissed off about them rejecting me. I tell you, it just isn't fair!

Last Year of School Jitters

2004-09-27T11:55:00.000-07:00

It is hard for me to believe that this is my very last year of college. It still feels as if I started my freshman year just yesterday. College has been quite an experience for me and one of the best experiences of my life. I have learned so much, both academically and otherwise. I've made many wonderful friends, had lots of fun, and learned some stuff in the process. Even if I did change my major several times.

But now this is my last year and I'll have to leave what has become so familiar and comforting to me. I've never "really" been out in the real world and on my own. I've always had the security of knowing that my parents were nearby and could help, or that I had somewhere to go if I just needed a break. It won't be that way when I get out. My parents can't help me because of financial difficulties they themselves are having, and I don't even know for sure what I'm going to do or where I'm going to go when I get out of here. It is all so confusing and it really gives me the jitters because it is all so uncertain. I've never been good and dealing with the uncertain and so graduation, when it comes in May, is probably going to be very nerve wracking for me. I hope that I get through it ok.

Princess Christy

Serious Thinking

Sick

Working Overnight

Update

How irritating . . .

Latest Happenings

Horrible Day

Christmas and Car Stuff

Update

Interview Update

Interview

My oh so exciting life

Quickie

Upcoming Graduation

Current Happenings

My Car is a POS!

Venting

New Friend, Work, and Wish List

Heart Broken Musings

Busy Bee

Ex-Fiance Shows His Face

Update

With the good comes the bad

Snow and Christmas

Ramblings

Quick Update

Perks

Success Begins with the First Step

Gloomy Day

Justice and Selfishness

Depression : What it really is...

The Heart and Blood

Belonging

Stressed

Staying Single

Irritants and an A

Fall, Dating, and Essay Writing

I Actually Did It

Weight Loss

Confused

Homecoming

Pains and Good Grades

Da Bomb!

More than Reading a Book

Hunk Alert!

Rejected Again

Last Year of School Jitters