Heart Broken Musings

It took me a long time and lots of hard work, working on the revisions for my poetry portfolio. Cynthia had been the one I would go to and get suggestions from. She was good at seeing my mistakes or clarifying things that didn't make sense to me. I consider her a friend. She told me she thinks of me as a friend. But tonight she really hurt my feelings. I was excited about having finally finished my portfolio which is due tomorrow in class. I went out into the hallway because I was so excited and wanted to tell someone. She was out there, talking to someone. I didn't think and I interupted and told her that I had finally finished it. She looked at me, almost disdainfully, and said "That's great Chris." The thing is though, she sure the hell didn't sound excited as I had hoped. In fact it was as if she didn't care at all. Granted, I shouldn't have interupted, and I realize that now. But what she said and the way she said it really hurt. It still hurts. Is being friends with Cynthia going to be like being friends with Stephanie? Where I have to watch what I say and do around her just so she doesn't snap at me. I just wanted to share my excitement with someone I thought might appreciate it. Is that so wrong?

Now, because of all of this, I feel like everyone hates me. Ok, maybe not hates me, but definately like they don't want to be around me anymore. Its as if I've worn out my welcome once again. I can't ever seem to find that happy medium between being around people and not being around them. Most of the time I crave my solitude because then I don't get hurt. But like a sim I'm a social creature at times and I need to be around people. It's just that I always seem to choose to be around them when I'm not wanted. And that only makes it worse.

Sometimes I feel like people pitty me, like they're just talking to me or hanging out with me because they know how pathetic and depressed I am. When I think about them and their pitty for me, it makes me kind of mad but it also breaks my heart. I don't want people to pitty me. I just want to have friends and be liked, like other people are. All I've ever wanted was to fit in and feel like I belonged. I've always wanted to be normal, average, just another Jane Doe. But it's never been like that for me and I really hate that. I don't want people to pitty me or to act like they like me. I don't want them to spend time with me just because they think it will make me feel better. I just want to be one of them without all of that happening. But I don't think it will ever happen. It hasn't happened yet and I'm almost 24 freakin years old.

It's pathetic really. It being me. I'm constantly depressed and I never know if it's attention I'm craving or if it should be solitude. I can't help but wonder over and over again, what is my purpose here? Why was I created and why was I created different from everyone else? Why did I have to get the big caring heart that gets broken so easily? I didn't ask for any of this. It was all just given to me and I hate to say it, but most of the time, it's a gift I could most certainly do without. In some ways, its nice to know that I'm one of the few people left in this world that actually has a heart and knows how to use it. But that feeling doesn't come around very often, in fact its pretty rare. Maybe if the world wasn't so hateful, so cruel, and so heartless, maybe then, my life wouldn't seem so bad. But a world such as I wish for and dream of is a utopia and a utopia can never exist. Not even in death.