Update

Wow! One semester is already over with. It's almost hard to believe. In a way it's nice though because now I'm finally getting a break from classes. Plus, it means only one more semester until I graduate. I'm also really looking forward to seeing my family again. I really miss all of them.

I'm going home tomorrow after my last final is over with. It's going to be a long boring drive. But I'm sure the anticipation of just getting home will help me to pass the time. The thing that stinks about my drive home is there is a lot of driving time where there is dead radio air, meaning I can't pull in any stations at all. It stinks even more than that because I don't have a tape deck or a cd player in my car. I have a cd player, it just can't be used in my car. LOL! Five hours in a car can be rather tedious. I better make sure I get plenty of sleep tonight so I don't doze off in the car tomorrow. Not that I will. I've never done that and am always very careful when I drive. I just hope my car can make it home. It's an old P.O.S. but at least its still pluggin away.

Well, time to go do some last minute cramming for tonights final and tomorrows final. Happy holidays all!

With the good comes the bad

Sometimes I can't help but wonder if maybe I would have been better off had I stayed married to my first husband. He was a good guy although a big baby that was always getting sick. But he was nice to me and cared about me. I could probably have the baby I've been wanting by now had I stayed married. Who knows, I could even be happy.

The sad thing is though, I didn't stay married to him. And now, I sit here in my college dorm room, in my pajamas at noon and wondering what the hell is going to happen with my life now. Its really rather pathetic and sad.

I guess you could say that I'm sort of throwing myself a little self pitty party. Though I really shouldn't. Just because I'm lonely and don't have everything I want, doesn't mean that my life is in shambles. If anything, I have a pretty good life. I have a car, a computer, a tv, stereo, playstation, cd's, friends, and I'm about to graduate from college with a great degree. I have a loving family and people that support me. I have all of this and I am thankful for it all. Though I can't help but still feel lonely and sad.

I found out just a bit ago that my ex-fiance doesn't care for me at all, even though he was the one who still wanted to be friends. I still care about him. I probably won't ever take him back but that doesn't mean I don't care. It's hard to imagine the reality that he was so loving and caring when we were together but now he is so heartless and cold towards anything about me. I'll admit I was very upset with him when he broke things off with me and in some ways I'm still kind of mad at him for it. I still care about him and hope that he is doing well. I even still talk to those that were to be my in-laws had he and I married. If I had the capability in my heart to be cold and heartless towards him and his family then I would probably do it too. But I'm not like that. I wasn't made that way. My heart is too big and because of that I will continue to care and remember, just as I now continue to care and remember my ex-husband and all those that I have dated before.

I like the heart that I have and all the caring and kindness I can show to others. It turely is a blessing to have a heart like this in a world were so many people do not. And at times I don't like having this heart because despite all the kindness and caring I can give, my heart brings with all that an equal amount of pain that feels five times heavier than it actually is. But in order to have that which you want and need, you have to take the bad with the good for there is nothing in this world that is perfect because perfect only exists in a utopia and a utopia can only exist in heaven, a place you cannot go to without leaving this world behind. So until the day that I leave this world behind, I will continue to carry this heart inside of me and I will continue to freely give all the love and caring that I have. In return I will accept the pain that comes with it and endure it as best I am able. Because I know that one day, I will be able to go to that utopia and finally be rid of the pain that seems so hard to bear.

Snow and Christmas

Well it is official. Pittsburg is getting it's first snow of the winter on November 24th, 2004. It's not a very strong snow. In fact it's really light and it isn't sticking to anything except parked cars. The ground is still kind of warm and so melts the snowflakes. But I'm so happy that it is snowing. I love it when it snows. Snow is so white and pretty, soft and wet. I really love the snow. What is ironic though is that the other night I bought that fake snow spray that you put on windows and stuff and put it on the windows in my room. When I wake up this morning I find that it really is snowing outside! How cool is that?!

I put some Christmas lights up last night too. I couldn't resist. I know that Thanksgiving is tomrrow and that Christmas comes after Thanksgiving. But I love Christmas too much to wait and put them up later. Christmas is my most favorite of holidays next to Valentine's day. I love the snow, the twinkling lights, the snowmen, snowball fights, the giving, and everything that goes along with Christmas. I remember that when I was little my family would all pile into the car at night and go driving through town looking at all the houses with their Christmas lights and decorations. I always enjoyed that so much. I can't wait until I have my own place. Then I can go all out on decorations and really go nuts putting up lights and wreaths, and all sorts of other things! And you know, unlike most people I don't want to get presents for Christmas. Sure it's nice to get them, but personally I'd rather give than get. I like to see the look on people's face when they open up a present Christmas morning and it's exactly something that they've been wanting. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling to know that I made someone happy by giving them something they have been wanting.

Ramblings

Well, Thanksgiving break is finally here, but mine hasn't officially started yet. Technically break starts after your classes are over with today. Sadly my only class today is my night class which starts at 5. And what stinks is that my partner and I have to give our presentation tonight for our research project. We're second to go as far as the order is concerned and we have to stay the whole class period too. That's going to be so boring! I'm not really looking forward to tonight. But I am looking forward to having the room to myself for a couple of days. It will be nice to not have my roommate around. She's a nice roommate and I like her, but I'm not used to someone being around all the time.

I've been getting a lot of hours in for work. I turned in my first time sheet last Friday. I had a total of 24 hours for the two weeks. This week I'm going to have to do all of my work early since the library will be closing for part of break. I've already gotten 9 hours in so far and that's just yesterday and today so far. I'd work in my room but my computer doesn't have PowerPoint, which is essential to my work and the floppy drive on it is broken. Plus it's been acting screwy lately anyway. But I don't mind working extra hours at the begining of the week. It's very mind taxing but this way at least I'll have more time to enjoy my break from classes.

I went on a date Friday night. It totally sucked. Needless to say I ended the date as soon as the movie was over and I haven't talked to the guy since. He was very needy, clingy and talked way too much. Kind of like the last guy I went out with. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find a guy that isn't completely nuts. In retrospect I think the only guy I ever went out with that wasn't a complete nut was my ex-husband. He was still a nut but not as much as others I have gone out with. I don't really need a guy right now, but it would be nice to have one. I like the feeling that someone is there for me and I like to be held at night. It gives me a sense of security. Maybe that sense of security that I need is the reason I still sleep with my stuffed animals. Haha!

Quick Update

It's been about a week since I last wrote. In fact it has been a week, technically. But I've been very busy. With thanksgiving break just around the corner, my teachers are really piling the work on. I've been spending a good deal of my time at the library either working on things for classes or working on things for work. I logged in over 13 hours of work last week and over 8 hours so far this week. I have to turn my time card in on Friday. I can't wait until I get my first paycheck. It will be nice to finally have at least some money coming in.

That's all I've got for now. I've got to get back to my school work. Until next time!

Perks

I'm really liking my new job. I started on Monday and so far its a lot of fun. I spend a lot of time on the computer which is ok by me and I get to make power point presentations and notes for classes. Sometimes the work really taxes my mind because I have to think about if what I'm creating will make any sense to others. But the fact that I get to work pretty well whenever I want helps to outweigh that negative. I also really don't have any set work time or place. I was just given some tasks for the week and am supposed to report back to my boss on Friday. I've already finished the first task and am waiting on feedback for it. Either tonight or tomorrow I'm going to do more work on the second task. The one thing that sucks though, is that it is only for the semester. So when next semester starts I'll have to find a different job. :(

I've decided I'm not going to go home for Thanksgiving break. I really want to, but I can't afford it. I especially can't afford it since I won't be getting my first paycheck for about four weeks. For some reason whenever you have an on campus job, your pay is always two weeks behind. I have found a ride part of the way home for Christmas break. Just got to get someone from my family to meet me halfway and take me the rest of the way home. That is of course if I don't get the money to get my car tags renewed. Mom is seeing if she can get me on her auto insurance. She says that with my good driving record and having a third car on their policy that it will make their insurance cheaper. If thats the case and I don't have to pay her for it, then I'm all for it. I actually had a dream last night that I had gotten a letter in the mail and inside was a pink card that said that my car had full coverage insurance. Why full coverage and a pink card I don't know. But maybe that dream was telling me that mom was able to get me on their auto insurance and she just hadn't been able to tell me about it yet.

That's all for now. Take care all!

Success Begins with the First Step

Success. An interesting word that has multiple meanings. To some people it means being rich and famous, to others, success is seen as simply finishing school or starting a family. Regardless of what it means, it is something that everyone desires and strives for. I am just one of the many. The thing about success is that in order to achieve it, you've got to go after it. Success isn't just going to come to you. You have to take that first step along the path of many, in order to succeed at whatever it is you are trying to succeed at.

My journey for success started the day I was born and has changed often since that time. Some of my first successes were learning how to walk and talk to name a few. At the start of this semester I had several things I wanted to succeed at. I wanted to find a job, to do well in my classes, and to move on to my final semester so that I could graduate. I've been succeeding as far as my classes are concerned and did not receive any down slips at mid semester. And Monday I'll enroll for my classes in my final semester which will help me work on finishing up that path of success.

My path of success for finding a job though has been a constant struggle with many, many disappointments along the way. That though has thankfully changed recently. I applied for a job within the department that has my major and I found out yesterday that I got the job. I didn't think I would get it because I had been turned down for so many jobs earlier on in the semester. But I never gave up hope that I would eventually find a job. The job isn't what I ultimately want to do, it's just something to help me out for the time being. It only pays $5.15 an hour and it's only 4 to 8 hours a week. But it is a step in the right direction. With this job I can finally be able to pay for my car tags so that they don't expire. I might even get to go home for Thanksgiving without having to ask for someone to give me a ride. And once I pay for my car tags, all I'll have to do is save up the money for gas so that I can go home for Christmas break without having to ask my parents to come and get me. It will be nice to not have to rely on others so often. I really don't like doing that. And now that I have this job I have taken yet another step towards success. A step that though small, will help me reach my end goal.

So regardless of how you personally define success always keep in mind that to achieve it, success begins with the first step.

Gloomy Day

Today is a really slow day. It's cold and rainy and everything seems so gloomy. I like the cold weather that comes with the fall, but I don't like the rain. I went to my psych class this morning. It was pretty boring. We're talking about dissociative and somatoform disorders. Today we talked predominatly about multiple personality disorder. I didn't like hearing about that. It just seems to freaky to me. This afternoon I meet with my advisor to discuss my schedule for next semester. I only have two classes that I'm required to take in order to graduate. But if I want to get my money for school I have to be at least a full time student. A full time student carries a minimum of 12 hours. But the two classes that I have to take don't even add up to half of that amount of time. So I've been having to try and find other classes to take just to make it so that I'll be considered a full time student. It's kind of hard too because most of the classes I've either already taken, don't apply to what I want to do, or I just don't want to take them. Hopefully my advisor can help me out for once.

I really miss my family. I wish I had the money and time to go home and see them. I might not even get to see them for Thanksgiving break. I hope that that isn't the case but you never know. I'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Justice and Selfishness

I've been working on a story lately, a controversial one, that I think I am actually going to finish. Most of my stories, I'll start them, but I can never get past the first chapter before I get writers block. So I have a lot of starter stories, but I've never been able to finish them. This one though, this one I'm already on the third chapter and I don't foresee any writers block at all. I hope that's the case. *knocks on wood* This story that I'm writing is about a young woman from a rich family that is trying to make it on her own because she doesn't like the whole rich person lifestyle. But that isn't what makes the story somewhat controversial. What makes it that way is the fact that the main character is a lesbian and she gets wrongfully accused of a case of sexual assault. I'm thinking that I'm going to call it... Justice; Just Another Meaningless Word Pretty cool huh? I think so.

I was recently told by someone close to me, that the guy that broke up with me back in September is doing ok. I'm glad to know that. He still means a lot to me and I still miss him. I can't help but wonder if he regrets what he did or if he ever will. Not that I want him to regret it. I just want him to be happy. But it would make for a bit of ironic revenge.

I don't know how I feel about anything anymore, especially about men and my ex in particular. I've lost all desire for any relationship with anyone and my desire for intimate relationships. The intimate part is what is weird for me because I've always had a high sex drive.

Could it be that I've been hurt so many times that this last time was just the icing on the cake that made the mountain that was my heart crumble? Can I ever rebuild the mountain? I have in the past, maybe I still can. But right now I don't really want to. I feel like I need to be depressed and self centered. For once in my life I need to do things with only myself in mind. It will be hard. I'm not used to being selfish, but I think that I can do it. My geometry teacher from high school would always say to me "Christina never quit! Don't you ever quit!" Even though he always said my name wrong and he was talking about not quiting when it came to math, his words have stuck with me ever since and they've helped me through so much in my life. Maybe it's those words that I need to remember right now to help me through this.

Depression : What it really is...

I have been battling with depression ever since I was 11 years old. There are times when I have done just fine without taking medication and then there are times when I can't function without it. This past year to two years has been the case where more often than not, I can't function well without my medication. And so I take my medication and I go on with life as best I can.

But through my years of battling this abnormal behavior, I've noticed that not many people really understand what depression actually is. Most people think they know but in all actuality they only see the tip of the iceberg when it comes to this topic. This post has a different goal than my other posts. My other posts were ways for me to vent my frustrations. However, this post has the goal to inform. I want to inform people about depression, what it is, and how it affects people. I hope that by the time you finish reading this, you will have gained a greater understanding about the abnormal behavior known as depression and have gained more empathy (not sympathy) for those who have it.

Depression or Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) is a mood disorder. It is characterized by 5 or more of the following symptoms experienced for the past 2 weeks and includes depression and anhedonia. Symptoms include:

~ Depressed mood characterized by sadness most of the day, every day as experienced by the individual or reported by others.

~ Loss of pleasure or interest in usual activities (this is what anhedonia is) most of the day, every day.

~ Disturbance of appetite; appetite can either increase or decrease but must show at least a 5% change of weight in a one month period.

~ Sleep disturbance including insomnia or hypersomnia.

~ Psychomotor retardation or agitation (Psychomotor refers to movement)

~ Loss of energy or persistent fatigue

~ Feelings of worthlessness and inappropriate guilt

~ Difficulties in concentration or indecisiveness

~ Recurrent thoughts of death or suicide

Keep in mind that symptom onset is gradual as is symptom decline. Both can last for several months or longer.

4% of men and 6% of women in the US population experience Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) during a month. Rates are higher in Whites relative to African-Americans or Mexican-Americans. The ratio of women to men with Major Depressive Disorder is 2:1 indicating that 26% of women versus 12% of men have a lifetime prevalence of this disorder. Rates climb in mid-adolescence and peak in early adulthood. 80% of patients experiencing MDD will experience future episodes. The likelihood of relapse is predicted by earlier age of onset, number of previous episodes, being a woman, painful life events, and unsupportive family. Typically 66% of people with MDD will recover within 4-6 months.

MDD is treatable and can be overcome. Typically it is treated with therapy or medications or possibly even both. Some studies have shown that combining therapy with medication is the most ideal way to treat the disorder.

For those that suffer from MDD life can be pretty difficult and is a constant challenge. I have given you some information regarding this disorder and I hope that it has helped you to better understand it. Only your doctor can diagnose depression and if you think that you have some of the symptoms talk to your doctor about it and find out if treatment is really necessary. The information I've provided you with has been adapted from Abnormal Psychology : Current Perspectives (9th Edition) which is my text book for my Abnormal Psych class. The information has also partially come from my class notes as well.

The Heart and Blood

Today was going pretty good as was yesterday. But things kind of went down hill during nutrition class tonight. During one of our breaks I was working on filling out an application for a job. I pointed out something to my neighbor (whom I'm sort of friends with) on the application that I thought was rather stupid and she damn near bit my head off! My neighbor is the kind of girl that tends to take her own stress out on others and not even realize that she is doing it. She also doesn't seem to like to spend too much time with me. Basically, if she snaps at me like she did tonight I know it's time to back off and just leave her the h e double hockey stick alone for about a week or so. It really sucks too because she is a nice girl and I want to be able to be her friend without having to worry about if she is going to get upset at me for something when really she is just upset about something going on in her life. Normally her doing this would not have bothered me and I would have just shrugged it off. But tonight for some reason it really hurt. Stupid I know but it did. Now I've never had a real knife go through my heart, but when she did what she did it felt like that might feel. I actually felt a real pain in my chest where my heart is. But I always get that feeling when I get hurt or when I have to hurt someone. Not that I ever want to or try to hurt people.

I don't know, maybe I'm just too damn sensitive for my own good. Goodness knows I've always had a big heart. Everyone in my family says so. Sometimes though I can't help but wonder if maybe having such a big heart is a curse. Granted, most people (in the masses-I'm not naming names) don't have much of a heart or even as big of a heart as I do. Too many people these days care only about themselves and their little world and not enough about others. Me, on the other hand, I care a lot about other people. I can't stand to see someone hurting and I can't stand to hurt people. I always, always put others before myself and go out of my way when possible in order to make sure others are happy, putting myself last. My mom says it is my big loving heart that makes me this way and I like being this way. But sometimes I want to be selfish, I want to be able to care only about myself and my little world. But it is hard for me to do that. Very hard.

Speaking of hearts, I gave blood today. I like to give blood. Although it hurts some and takes a lot of my time I always feel as if I'm helping out so many people when I go to give blood. I tried to give blood at a blood drive about two months or so ago but I couldn't because the amount of iron in my blood was at 37%. The Red Cross wants it to be at least 38% or they don't think that it is healthy for you to donate. And being a woman my iron level is always bouncing around, especially during that time of the month. Today's donation took about two hours but that was because there was so many people there. Once I finally did get to one of the special chairs where they have you sit while the blood goes into the bag, the collection only took ten minutes. I always make sure to hydrate myself really well before going to give blood. It makes the donation part go a lot quicker. You know, I've been donating blood ever since I started college back in 1999. And since my named changed I have donated 10 pints of blood. That's two pints over a gallon! How many I donated before my name changed I don't know but I think its pretty cool. I like the fact that when I donate blood, the blood I donate can help to save someone else's life. I know that someday if I am ever in the hospital and need blood, that someone else will have donated and thanks to their donation I can be helped too. It's a great feeling.

Belonging

Maybe its just me, or maybe its my depression, but the longer that I am here at school, the more I feel like I don't belong. I'm so different from everyone else, especially the other girls on my floor. For starters, I'm the only person that is a senior and that will graduate in May. I'm also one of the oldest girls on the floor too. The other two girls are 24 and 29 but they are exchange students and graduate students, so I don't really count them. Other than those two and myself, the rest of the girls on the floor are freshman, sophomores, or juniors and they all have their own friends and cliques. Another thing that makes me different is that I'm a big girl. No one else on my floor is big at all except maybe in height. They are all skinny little things which just makes me self concious. Lately my roommate has been spending a lot of time out of the room and talking to the RA. Though I think that my roommate likes me, I can't help but think that maybe she really doesn't like me. Could it be my snoring she doesn't like, or that I spend a lot of time on my computer or watching tv?

Why do I have to be the one that doesn't fit in and isn't liked? All I've ever wanted in life was to feel like I belonged somewhere and with someone or someones. But it's never been like that. I've always been an outsider, like a hungry beggar gazing through the glass window of a resturaunt and dreaming about finally getting something, anything to eat. I could talk to the others about this, and talk to my roommate but I know what would happen if I did. They would pitty me. They would spend more time with me for awhile, trying to make me feel better and once I did feel better (if I fell for it) they'd stop doing it and go back to leaving me out.

I don't want their pitty and I don't want them to think that they have to make me feel like I belong. If I'm going to belong anywhere or be a part of anything, I'm going to do it because I truely do belong and am a part of something. I will not be the product of pitty and I will take my differences and stand out on my own, solitary and free. They will not hold me down, will not hold me back. One day I will belong and they will all be envious of me instead of me being envious of them. Until then, I will stay silent and go on with my life. It will hurt, it does hurt, even now. But it is what I must do to surrvive. It is all I know.

Stressed

Today is a muggy and dreary day. It's cloudy and disgustingly warm and wet. I don't like days like these, they are so depressing. The is actually going by a lot faster than I expected it to. All ready it's about around 2:30 in the afternoon. It feels like I just woke up an hour ago. I don't feel like I've gotten anything done either, even though I've done a lot of studying for my nutrition exam tonight.

I hope that tonight's nutrition exam isn't too hard. It's only going to be over the chapter on protein and the chapter on vitamins. I've got the vitamin chapter pretty good, but the protein chapter is kind of throwing me off. I'm sure I'll do fine, I just got to keep studying.

My job search is going no where. I keep applying for jobs and still nothing. I've applied for three already this week. Picked up two more applications the other day. I still need to stop by the nursing homes and pick up applications there. I've even turned in applications on campus. I really hate that I can't find a job. It seems as if everyone else can just snap their fingers and get a job, but me, well I do that and then some and still don't get one. I don't get it and it's so unfair. Without a job I can't go home for Thanksgiving break like I would like to, I can't pay for my car tags next month, and I can't pay for my doctors appointments in November and December, as well as no money leaves me with the question of how will I get home for Christmas break. *sigh* It's so depressing. I have the perfect schedule to allow me to work during the day and I'm really qualified, but I'm just not finding anything. And I'll be damned if I'm going to go back to working in food service. I'm sorry, some people may like it and more power to them, but I've done it and I'll never do it again. I just can't let myself sink that low, it would be like going against all my values and beliefs.

I tell you, all this studying and worry about a job and money has been giving me some of the worst headaches lately. I've been taking ibuprofen for the headaches, but it only does so much. I know that if I could just get a job, things would be easier and I wouldn't have quite so many headaches. *sigh* Well, it's time to go back to the books and study some more. Bye for now.

Staying Single

Well, I told him that I didn't want to be his girlfriend. I told him that I didn't mind being friends but that I am just not ready to be someone's girlfriend again. He tried to act like it didn't hurt him, but I know his type. It hurt him. I'm sad that it did because I don't like to hurt anyone but he was moving way too fast.

I think that perhaps I'll just stay single for awhile. Go out on a date or two from time to time if I'm asked, but nothing serious. I'd really just rather concentrate on myself. I mean I've got so much going on already what with this being my last year of school and not knowing where I'll be going after I graduate. Why do I need a guy around to complicate things? Maybe after I get settled down in a life after college, I might consider trying to find someone new. But right now it just doesn't seem to be the thing to do.

Irritants and an A

Matt called me last night. He said he missed me and asked if I missed him. I told him I did just to make him happy. I don't really miss him. Sure he is fun to hang out with, but I do have other things that occupy my mind besides him. Apparently though, I'm the only thing that occupies his mind. He says he can't wait until Friday when we go out again. Granted, I'm looking forward to it as well because we can have fun again, but he is all like why isn't it Friday yet, and all that. Matt even mentioned something about us being together for a long time. I reminded him that I'm going to be graduating in May and don't know where I'll be going. And he's all like yea, but we'll have been together 8 months by then. Sheesh! I think I may be leading this guy on too much. I want to tell him to back off a little, but he is so enamored with me and has such a gentle heart, that I'm afraid it would really hurt him. Problem is, is that if I let this keep going, it will be even worse later on down the line. I don't see myself with Matt for a very long time. I don't even see myself living with him let alone marrying him. Somehow I have a feeling that maybe that is what he ultimately wants. I don't know. Guys are wierd and this one especially so.

Monday in my Interacting with Children class, we got back the quiz we took last week over chapter 7. We only had two class periods to learn the stuff before the quiz because of the shortened week. I haven't been doing too well on the quizes and with the teachers grading scale, the grade is even worse than it really looks. So for this last quiz I studied like crazy. I read the notes a million times (not litterally but a lot) and even took notes of the notes! I was so sick of not doing well on the quizzes that I finally did something about it. Well anyway, the teacher handed back the quiz on Monday and said that not very many people did very well on it. She even told the class that only one person had scored a 15 out of 15. Well wouldn't you believe it?! All that studying paid off. I was the one who got that score! I was so happy when I saw it that I gasped and almost jumped up and hugged the teacher (I didn't really but I wanted to. I was that happy!). It was kind of funny though because my gasp was pretty loud and everyone turned and looked at me. Normally I would have blushed and tried to hide my face but I was too happy to do so. The smile I had on my face when I saw that grade was my biggest smile so far this month. I hope that this Friday when we have a quiz over chapter 8 that I can do it again.

Fall, Dating, and Essay Writing

Fall is my most favorite season of the four. I like how beautiful everything looks when the leaves on the trees change colors. The air has a crisp, slightly cool feeling to it and is neither too warm or too cold. Lots of changes are taking place in the fall and all of these things are what makes it my favorite season. There is one thing about fall that I don't like though, and that is the rain that comes with it. The cloudiness, the cold rain, and the wet and slippery streets can be so depressing, not to mention a great annoyance. I know that the rain helps plants to grow and lots of other things, but it certainly doesn't help my mood any. It has been raining off and on for the past two days now and it makes me just want to sleep.

I have another date this weekend with the guy I went out with on Friday. His name is Matt, by the way. This time we're going to go bowling. We're not sure what we'll do after that, but I'm sure he or I will think of something. I hope it goes ok. We seem to get along well, we have a lot of things in common, and we have a lot of fun when together. Though lately I've been noticing that he can be slightly irritating. I mean he called me like four times last week before our date just to make sure about different things. He hasn't called me yet this week, but I have talked to him online. Last night when I was talking to him, I told him I needed to let him go so that I could get back to work on my essay for a class. He said ok and so I went back to my work. I haven't even sat down for 30 seconds when he messages me again and asks if I dreamed about him the other night! It's sweet in some ways, but also odd and irritating. It was irritating because I really needed to work on the essay and it was odd because we've only gone out once. Sure, we've talked several times online, but nothing really serious. He already calls me his girl and tells me that he dreams about me. I don't think I've ever had a guy that was this far head over heals for me. Not even my first husband was like that. I'm not sure what I'll do. I'll of course still go out with him this coming Friday. I don't pass up the chance to get out and do fun stuff, especially if someone else is paying. But if this stuff keeps up, the being irritating and all, I might have to tell him to cool it a little. I just hope that if I do have to tell him that, that he doesn't take it the wrong way. He seems like the type of guy that can be hurt real easily (emotionally that is).

Yea, so I mentioned an essay I was working on the other night. Well it isn't just one essay, it's five. The teacher for my Family Violence and Child Abuse class gave us a take home final that had five really in depth essay questions to answer. Boy has it been a challenge! Makes me glad it's take home rather than during class. Makes it a lot easier for me to focus on what I need to write and put in everything she wants. The five essays are due at the beginning of class on Tuesday. I finished two of them yesterday and plan to finish two more today, maybe three if I can swing it. But I'm not going to push myself harder than my brain can handle because I'm going to have other midterms to take besides this one. Since class isn't until 5 in the evening on Tuesday nights, I figure that I can write the last essay on Tuesday and have all five of them ready to go before class starts. Thankfully the essays don't have to be longer than two pages, which makes it slightly easier. That also makes it harder though, because she wants a lot of information, and for me it is hard to give back all that same information without going into a lot of detail and making the essay really long. It used to be, back when I started college, that I had trouble meeting the word or page requirements for writing papers. Now its more like I exceed the requirements, especially when I'm given restrictions on how long something can be.

I Actually Did It

Well, I did it. I went out with someone else. And I actually had a lot of fun. The guy is really sweet, and definately a talker. First we went to the arcade and played a lot of the games and won a bunch of tickets. With the tickets, he got for me an adorable stuffed orange bear, wearing a black cape and a witches hat. After the arcade we went to dinner at a resturaunt called Cafe' del Rio. It wasn't a super fancy place, but it's much better than McDonalds or some other such place. The food was good and the conversation was good too, even though it was a little one sided. I never knew one guy could talk so much. I wonder if maybe he was talking so much because he was nervous. Who knows? Guys are an enigma to me. Anyway, after dinner we came back to my dorm room. We played several playstation games and had a lot of fun just talking, laughing, and playing the games. He was a really good sport when I beat him at a few of the games we played.

All in all, I'd say it went pretty well. He's a good kisser to. I'd like to see him again and he said he wants to see me again. He mentioned next Friday. I'm thinking I'll say yes to that. If I do I'll have to really get to work on my school work so that I don't fall behind and so that I don't have to say no to him because of school work.

Speaking of school work, since my date is over, I'd better get back to doing it. Or rather get started on it. Haha!

Weight Loss

I've been working on loosing weight since March of this year and so far have made fairly steady progress. I started out at 332 pounds and after being weighed today, am at 315 pounds. It's not a very dramatic weight loss and it's not as fast as I would like, but I am happy that I am getting rid of the excess weight. My ultimate goal is to get to 160 pounds. It will take me awhile but I will do it.

The weight loss itself is both encouraging and discouraging. It is discouraging because of the fact that it is so slow and it takes a lot of extra work and effort on my part that just gets added to my already pretty busy schedule. What does encourage me though is seeing the pounds come off where the numbers are concerned and loosing the sizes. When I started out, I wore a woman's size 26. Now I'm down to a 24.

With 17 pounds lost to date, I am hoping to loose another 25 by the time Christmas break arrives. It will certainly be a struggle, but I am going to do what I can to get it off. I don't mind being big. I like that it sets me apart from others. But I also don't like being big, because it makes finding a significant other or even just someone to date, a hard thing to do. Typically, though not always, a guy will go for the girl that is skinny or of average weight. I'm neither of those, but I hope to be there some day.

Wish me luck, and pray that I can keep up my will power so that I can keep loosing the weight.

Confused

I'm a little confused with my life right now. And the main reason I'm confused is because I don't know if I should still be single or not. My most recent guy, who I was engaged to marry, told me that he wanted a temporary seperation until he could find his heart. From what he told me after that, I'm not his true love. I was devastated by this and am still recovering from it. He asked if we could still be friends. I said yes. Though I know it will be awkward. I still love him, and I still carry hope that he'll grow up and realize what he has done so that he'll change and want me back.

But what confuses me is the temporary part. Is it really temporary? Should I continue to hold onto the hope and wait for him? What makes the confusion even worse though, is the fact that another guy has asked me out. I'm not sure how to answer him. He seems like a nice enough guy and he lives close by. But do I tell him yes and risk being disloyal to the other one? It's really bothering me and I'm not sure what to do. I suppose that I'm not sure what to do because I don't know how permanent this thing between my ex and I is.

Do I even want to be in a relationship right now?

Homecoming

Today was homecoming at my university. Homecoming is always a huge event here. So huge in fact that the entire week before the big day is filled with all sorts of homecoming activities. On Monday it was yard art and gorilla games. Tuesday was the official presentation of the king and queen candidates. Wednesday was convocation where we voted for homecoming king and queen. Then Wednesday night there was a comedian preforming in the student center. I went to see him and he was really, really funny. Thursday was an event called Yell Like Hell. That's always a fun event. What happens is that different organizations on campus put together a routine which includes a dance, a cheer, and a human pyramid of some sort. These can be in any order and the groups only have five minutes a piece to do their routine. Then they get judged and this year, RHA (Residence Hall Assembly) my favorite organization, finally got 1st place in the co-ed division. I love going to this event. It's so much fun to see the people out on the field dancing and cheering. It's kind of like a big pep rally to get ready for the game. There weren't any special events going on Friday night, but groups on campus were rushing to finish building their floats for the homecoming parade.

The parade started at 9 this morning. I didn't go because I'm not a big parade person. But from what I was told it was an excellent parade and all the floats were very well done. The game started at 2 this afternoon and we played against the Ichabods. That's the team for Washburn University in Topeka, KS. We've played them every year for homecoming and even with them being 3 and 0 we still mopped the floor with their butts! We always do though, so I wasn't surprised. I actually left after the first quarter was over. I'm not a football fan and the noise was giving me a headache. But I did go for a little while to show my support. We beat the Ichabods 70 to 14! Talk about a major win! It would have been even more cool had we kept them from scoring at all, but still, we did a great job. The Pittsburg State Gorillas have always been an awesome team.

Pains and Good Grades

Today went pretty good. Nice and easy. My knee was hurting me a lot today. I don't know why my knees are causing me so much trouble lately. I mean, I know they are messed up, but they've never hurt so much or so often before. Maybe it's just the season's changing. Who knows?

I went to Nutrition class tonight. It was pretty boring. More talk about protein and what it does in the body. Last week we had our first exam in that class. We got the exam back today. Most people didn't do very good. There were only two A's and just a few B's. The rest were C's and below. I'm so happy with my grade. I was one of the few that got a B! Very cool! Even more cool is that I thought I'd get a C or something. To find out that I got a B instead is just super cool.

That's all for today. More tomorrow.

Da Bomb!

I swear, I have got to be da bomb when it comes to school work and tests! I just got back my first test from my Abnormal Psychology course (a 500 level course mind you) and got a 91% ! How cool is that?! The teacher even said to me, "Pretty good for someone who doesn't have a book". And you know what, it's true. I don't have the book for the class. Couldn't afford to buy even a used copy. Teacher put a copy of the text book on reserve in the library but I can only check it out for two hours at a time. And with my schedule being as busy as it is, it's hard to get over there to check it out and read it. In fact I didn't even end up reading any of the chapters that were covered on the test. I must be gifted.

Also, on a lot of my other assignments in other class, especially the daily assignments, I've been getting full points. Granted, the daily assignments are pretty easy but every little bit helps.

I am so da bomb!

More than Reading a Book

Today has been pretty boring so far. Woke up around 8:30 this morning and went to eat. Came back, goofed off, took a shower and got dressed. Just recently got back from a trip to WalMart to buy printer paper and apply for a job. Now I'm just chillin.

Tonight I have to go to some sort of Parent's University thing. Apparently its this thing for parents and families that teach them things about parenting and what not. I'm not really sure. My teacher is requiring us to go for at least an hour to an hour and a half. There will be a speaker. Her name is Dr. Sue Unger. Don't know who that is. But she'll be speaking on "Literacy Is More Than Reading a Book". I guess that might be interesting. They are even having a family style past dinner that only costs 25 cents. Not bad. Same as free food which saves me a meal at the campus dinning hall.

Well I'm going to goof off some more before I have to go to this thing for class. Need to try and get rid of this headache too. Ouch!

Hunk Alert!

Ok, so there is this guy that lives here in the same dorm as I do. His room is in the basement where as mine is on first floor. I've only seen him a few times but he is really, really hot! Tonight at an all hall program I sat next to him and couldn't help but take more than really long glances at him. I also finally found out that his name is Montez or that is what he is called. Not sure if I spelled it right.

Montez is a black guy, which makes him so much more gorgeous to me. I've always wanted to be with a black man. He also smells sooo good (a weakness of mine I might add). Not to mention he is fit and has lots of muscles. He's not necessarily tall, but he isn't short either. I wonder if he has a girlfriend or if he'd even be interested in me.

I can't help but drool every time I see him or think about him. *swoon*

Rejected Again

I had applied for a job here on campus about a week and a half to two weeks ago. It was a perfect job for me to have while on campus. They wanted someone that could work Tuesdays' and Thursdays'. My Tuesdays' and Thursdays' are completely free until 5 at night! They wanted someone that was eligible for federal work study. I'm eligible for it and even said I would accept it. The job was as a clerical assistant in the department of management and marketing and required a lot of office skills. I have a lot of office skills, most of them self taught! I wrote a cover letter for this job, I revamped my resume entirely, and I even provided a copy of my class schedule so that they would see that I was available. I even told them that if they wanted proof of my eligibility for federal work study, that I would get that for them too.

I was rejected again!!!!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!

I really wanted this job but more than that I really need it. My parents can't help me out financially when it comes to school, nor can anyone else in my family. I'm doing this entirely on my own and without a job it's really hard to do. I don't understand why it's so hard for me to get an on campus job! I've applied for multiple jobs over and over again, but still nothing. I did almost have this one temporary job but it wouldn't work into my class schedule very well because of my night classes so I was rejected for that one too. Even over the summer when I tried to find a job out in California I couldn't get one.

Rejection, rejection, rejection!

I swear, it is so irritating and so unfair. I bet you that they gave the job to some blonde bimbo (no offense towards blondes--I'm just venting) that doesn't know the difference between a computer and a copy machine. Or even worse they gave it to some stuck up rich person who is going to school on their parents' money and doesn't even need a job! I really don't know who they gave it to but it just makes me so mad. I tried so hard to get it and I NEED it. When your expected family contribution according to the federal government is only $66 and your family can't even contribute $1, then you know that you need a job.

I don't know how I'm going to pay for insurance on my car or for my car tags in November. I have an etiquette dinner coming up for a class that I have to attend that's going to cost me somewhere between $10 and $15, none of which I have. I was only able to buy one book for class and I was only able to get it because I had sold off my Magic the Gathering cards over the summer.

Ack! Ok, I've been venting for awhile now. I feel a little bit better but I'm still pissed off about them rejecting me. I tell you, it just isn't fair!

Last Year of School Jitters

It is hard for me to believe that this is my very last year of college. It still feels as if I started my freshman year just yesterday. College has been quite an experience for me and one of the best experiences of my life. I have learned so much, both academically and otherwise. I've made many wonderful friends, had lots of fun, and learned some stuff in the process. Even if I did change my major several times.

But now this is my last year and I'll have to leave what has become so familiar and comforting to me. I've never "really" been out in the real world and on my own. I've always had the security of knowing that my parents were nearby and could help, or that I had somewhere to go if I just needed a break. It won't be that way when I get out. My parents can't help me because of financial difficulties they themselves are having, and I don't even know for sure what I'm going to do or where I'm going to go when I get out of here. It is all so confusing and it really gives me the jitters because it is all so uncertain. I've never been good and dealing with the uncertain and so graduation, when it comes in May, is probably going to be very nerve wracking for me. I hope that I get through it ok.