Belonging

Maybe its just me, or maybe its my depression, but the longer that I am here at school, the more I feel like I don't belong. I'm so different from everyone else, especially the other girls on my floor. For starters, I'm the only person that is a senior and that will graduate in May. I'm also one of the oldest girls on the floor too. The other two girls are 24 and 29 but they are exchange students and graduate students, so I don't really count them. Other than those two and myself, the rest of the girls on the floor are freshman, sophomores, or juniors and they all have their own friends and cliques. Another thing that makes me different is that I'm a big girl. No one else on my floor is big at all except maybe in height. They are all skinny little things which just makes me self concious. Lately my roommate has been spending a lot of time out of the room and talking to the RA. Though I think that my roommate likes me, I can't help but think that maybe she really doesn't like me. Could it be my snoring she doesn't like, or that I spend a lot of time on my computer or watching tv?

Why do I have to be the one that doesn't fit in and isn't liked? All I've ever wanted in life was to feel like I belonged somewhere and with someone or someones. But it's never been like that. I've always been an outsider, like a hungry beggar gazing through the glass window of a resturaunt and dreaming about finally getting something, anything to eat. I could talk to the others about this, and talk to my roommate but I know what would happen if I did. They would pitty me. They would spend more time with me for awhile, trying to make me feel better and once I did feel better (if I fell for it) they'd stop doing it and go back to leaving me out.

I don't want their pitty and I don't want them to think that they have to make me feel like I belong. If I'm going to belong anywhere or be a part of anything, I'm going to do it because I truely do belong and am a part of something. I will not be the product of pitty and I will take my differences and stand out on my own, solitary and free. They will not hold me down, will not hold me back. One day I will belong and they will all be envious of me instead of me being envious of them. Until then, I will stay silent and go on with my life. It will hurt, it does hurt, even now. But it is what I must do to surrvive. It is all I know.