New Friend, Work, and Wish List

I've made a new friend recently. Well she isn't a full friend yet. But she is cool and she is fun to hang out with. Her name is Traci and she's 17 and a freshman here at my school. We take Basic Helping Skills together and are in the same group for class. Because we have to do a lot of group work together, we've gotten to know each other pretty well and have discovered that there aren't too awful many differences between us. I think her and I will stay friends for awhile.

Not a lot else is going on. Just the typical school work, regular work, and the usual procrastinating. Hehe. Last week I worked an extra couple of hours to make up for not working on my birthday the week before. I worked an extra dish shift and it was at closing time. Man that stunk big time! I am never working closing dish again. Not to mention the other two dish people I was working with that night had some really foul language coming out of there mouth. Now granted, I use foul language sometimes myself, and I don't mind hearing it from time to time, it won't bother me. But these two were back and forth at each other all night. I think it was all in good fun but it did get to the point where I had to ask them to tone down their language because it was starting to become really offensive to me. Haha, they even got "talked to" by the head chef telling them not to do it because the customers could hear them.

One very exciting thing happened last week. I had made a wish list on Amazon.com of some books I've been wanting in hardback. And the next thing I know I'm recieving packaging slips in my mail box practically every night of last week. The first night there was four, then the second night there was three, and two days after that there was another one. 8 in all and all were books from my wish list! I figured out who sent at least three of them for sure and that's all thanks to packaging slips. But the others, I can figure out who sent them, so it's still a bit of a mystery. But it is a great mystery! I'm working on writing a thank you letter to the person that I figured out sent me three of them. I'm very greatful to have gotten all of these books. They are books from the Wheel of Time series by Robert Jordan and now I have all of the books except four of them. I'm still missing books 3, 7, 9, and 10 in hard back. But hey I'm happy so I'm not going to complain.

That's all for now. I got to get going to get some breakfast before class. You all take care now. :)

Heart Broken Musings

It took me a long time and lots of hard work, working on the revisions for my poetry portfolio. Cynthia had been the one I would go to and get suggestions from. She was good at seeing my mistakes or clarifying things that didn't make sense to me. I consider her a friend. She told me she thinks of me as a friend. But tonight she really hurt my feelings. I was excited about having finally finished my portfolio which is due tomorrow in class. I went out into the hallway because I was so excited and wanted to tell someone. She was out there, talking to someone. I didn't think and I interupted and told her that I had finally finished it. She looked at me, almost disdainfully, and said "That's great Chris." The thing is though, she sure the hell didn't sound excited as I had hoped. In fact it was as if she didn't care at all. Granted, I shouldn't have interupted, and I realize that now. But what she said and the way she said it really hurt. It still hurts. Is being friends with Cynthia going to be like being friends with Stephanie? Where I have to watch what I say and do around her just so she doesn't snap at me. I just wanted to share my excitement with someone I thought might appreciate it. Is that so wrong?

Now, because of all of this, I feel like everyone hates me. Ok, maybe not hates me, but definately like they don't want to be around me anymore. Its as if I've worn out my welcome once again. I can't ever seem to find that happy medium between being around people and not being around them. Most of the time I crave my solitude because then I don't get hurt. But like a sim I'm a social creature at times and I need to be around people. It's just that I always seem to choose to be around them when I'm not wanted. And that only makes it worse.

Sometimes I feel like people pitty me, like they're just talking to me or hanging out with me because they know how pathetic and depressed I am. When I think about them and their pitty for me, it makes me kind of mad but it also breaks my heart. I don't want people to pitty me. I just want to have friends and be liked, like other people are. All I've ever wanted was to fit in and feel like I belonged. I've always wanted to be normal, average, just another Jane Doe. But it's never been like that for me and I really hate that. I don't want people to pitty me or to act like they like me. I don't want them to spend time with me just because they think it will make me feel better. I just want to be one of them without all of that happening. But I don't think it will ever happen. It hasn't happened yet and I'm almost 24 freakin years old.

It's pathetic really. It being me. I'm constantly depressed and I never know if it's attention I'm craving or if it should be solitude. I can't help but wonder over and over again, what is my purpose here? Why was I created and why was I created different from everyone else? Why did I have to get the big caring heart that gets broken so easily? I didn't ask for any of this. It was all just given to me and I hate to say it, but most of the time, it's a gift I could most certainly do without. In some ways, its nice to know that I'm one of the few people left in this world that actually has a heart and knows how to use it. But that feeling doesn't come around very often, in fact its pretty rare. Maybe if the world wasn't so hateful, so cruel, and so heartless, maybe then, my life wouldn't seem so bad. But a world such as I wish for and dream of is a utopia and a utopia can never exist. Not even in death.

Busy Bee

My life is pretty hectic right now and very very stressful. By looking at my schedule, one would think, oh she isn't busy at all. But that really isn't the case. I may not have that many classes, but I still have lots to do. In two of my classes I have these giant research projects I have to do. And what stinks is that these two classes are the ones I have to have in order to graduate in May, so there is added pressure there. Then, for some silly reason I thought I should take a creative writing class. Big mistake as far as time comittment is concerned. I love the class, but there is just so much writing I have to do outside of class that it's crazy. Now add that to the research stuff and already I have a pretty big plate full of stuff. I'm not done yet though. For one of my classes I have to do 48 hours of volunteer work or I automatically fail the course. I haven't even started that yet. My computer class isn't so bad. It's really something I'm just doing for fun and thankfully it doesn't take up much of my time. So that's all class stuff. But then you have to add in life stuff too. You can't complete my schedule without throwing life in there! Haha! So for life stuff I have my job in the dinning hall. It's only about 8 to 10 hours a week, but that still takes up time for other things. Also I really hate the job so I'm looking for a different job while I keep this one until I find something else. I have to have the money coming in. I also have to renew my DL this month and so I have to study for that test. And later on down the road I have to worry about putting in applications for places to work after graduation and so much other stuff!

ARGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talk about stress city. Oh great now it's time to go to classes! Whoever thought my last semester of college would be my busiest of all?!